Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I Still am a Bad Ass......Kinda

We all hit tough times in our lives. Some people experience more tough times than others. I'm not different. I'm not immune to these tough times. Sure I appear to be strong, and that I deal with these tough times with stealer abilities. That I come out of bad situations leaving you to believe I'm stronger than when I begun. But I too am human. I have emotions. I have just as many emotions as anyone else. Sometimes these emotions are very intense. That is how I can write things people care to read. Rather it be this blog, a story, or a poem. I feel them with emotion. I just pick, and choose which emotions I want to publicize. It's all the other emotions I don't want you to see. I've gotten good at hiding them. I have even made myself feel unnatural for feeling them at all. They don't come often, but when they do its like a solar storm.
Sadness? This is the hardest for me. So when sadness comes I have no idea what to do with it. In the last few weeks have progressed in this thing I call my life there have been some times of sadness. They have left me with my hands up in the air, and confused. Not sure what to do next. As we all know EDS can be progressive, and I'm not exactly a spring chicken. Me also having POTS, and such severe Migraines doesn't help. Well, and then there is all the other things EDS, and POTS brings to the table. The GI troubles, the neuropathy, and this list goes on, and on. So needless to say my life is well complicated. I have been the tough girl so long I have neglected so many things. So many things have gotten out of control. My pain is being well managed at the moment with my new meds, but I'm still having some very bad days. I'm still faced with the fact that I just can't do what I used to do. I can't do what I want to do. Then there is that whole my mental self is still here. It's still the same. Yet my physical self is fading........
So I struggle. Mentally I'm still a neat freak. I like my house to nice, and neat. I don't like dishes in the sink, and I want the laundry to be done at all times. Mentally this house needs to be clean just in case someone where to show up I wouldn't be embarrassed my house was a mess. Mentally I need to cook a big ass meal every night. Physically well physically sometimes I can only do half that if at all. So I wind up pushing myself to far trying to get all this done. Then when I can't I get upset. So then I push harder. Then when it doesn't happen I get even more upset. I feel like a failure, a loser yada, yada. My hubby helps me as much as he can. But he works nights so he is usually living on limited sleep himself. So I try not to trouble him as much as I can. Even though he offers. But to ask to much makes me feel even worse. So I push even more. And later crash even harder.
So it finally I have come to the conclusion it's time to look into some help around here. Especially when there are times I can't even drive myself to the doctor. To get groceries, or medications. I'm beyond the point of needing some help! My doctor suggested it a year ago. I was just to stubborn to ask for the help back then. I didn't need help!
So here I'm now I just dropped off the application to get home health care. This was a big step for me. Pride wise, and Bass Ass Stregth wise. I had to tell myself that by doing so that I can still be a bad ass. Just in different ways. I'm still a bad ass. I wake up every day, and fight this illness. I don't give in. You don't hear me crying why me? Blah blah blah! And I can eat some pretty hot food. That makes me a bad ass in my kids eyes. I put up all my kids. That alone makes any woman a bad ass! So see I'm still a bad ass. I'm not giving up anytime soon. I'm just admitting that I can't do everything! That I need HELP! Well duh! I mean people as sick as me get help all the time. Most probably gotten help a long time ago! That is why these programs exist. To help people like me.
So why I struggle with this so much is beyond me? But I will just have to suck it up, and move on. Because ya I want something different. Something better. I'm tired of wasting what energy I do have doing dumb crap. When it could be doing things I love. Like playing with my kids, and hanging out with my hubby. So let someone who is getting paid help me do the dumb stuff! Guess I will help the economy to a little. So here I go. I've looked into home health assistance, and I'm checking into service dogs. So wish me luck, and when I'm whining later.....please remind me, to put my big girl panties on, and suck it up! Because I still am a bad ass. Well some days.............anyways just not every-day.

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