When you love. Love hard. Love all the time. Don't just love me when I'm happy. When I'm pretty. Thin. Looking good, hair done, and my make up is on. My clothes match. When I feel good. When something good had happened. When I have money. When my house is clean, and I cook a good meal. When my dog is being a good girl. When my cat shits in it's box.
Don't just love me when my kids say something cool. When they do something good. When I post a cute little pic on FB. When they get good grades. Or because I got a daughter who is brave, and going to be a Marine. Or when I tell you I took another sweet girl in who needed a home. Not just when one of the kids gets an injury, or is sick. When they do something that gets then recognized at school.
Love me when I have the shits, and I have The Ring Of Fire. When I'm hungry, and don't know what I want. When I puke up everything so I want food, but I'm scared to eat. When I'm a dumb ass, and eat foods that give me migraines. Then suffer in pain all the next day. Love me when I'm pist off that doctors don't understand me! When I'm pist off my medications cost so much. When I can't find a doctor to treat me period! Love me when I'm to sick to play with my kids. To sick to cook a good meal. Or clean my house. Love me when I'm to sick to hangout with my sister. Love me when I'm pist off for no reason. Love me when I'm grumpy because the pain is unbearable! When my knee hurts so bad, and is dislocating so I can't even leave my upstairs apartment. Love me when I have a stroke, and need help to the toilet to take a shit. Love me when I have a Hemiplegic Migraine, and need someone to push me in the wheelchair. When I'm having one of my sucky days that fall into my list of restrictions that I can't drive. Come haul my ass around. Love me when I just need a Friend. When I need an ear to bitch on the phone. When I need some decorating advice. Clothing advice. Love me when my husband is gone over the road, and I'm lonely!
Love is love. It loves all the time. If you love me you love me all the time. Not when it's convenient. Not when you have time. Not when I'm at my best. I have a chronic illness. I wake up not knowing what each day will bring. Love knows no strings. You can't pick which parts you love, and ignore the rest. So love all of me. I never said I wouldn't piss you off. Or you me. But don't just love me for the sake of the public eye. PLEASE don't just love me on FB. Or because you think you have to. Who cares what people think! I DON'T!!!! Love me for all the right reasons. Not the parts you think you can pick. If you don't love me that's fine.........................Walk away!
My illness has effected my memory in many ways, but one area of my memory that still serves me well is my emotional memory. It's like an old school Rolodex. I can flip back to a time you did what, and when to hurt me. Sure it's like that Pink Floyd song. Another Brick In The Wall. "All in all you where all just bricks in the wall" That is how I feel. The hurt people have done I have created an emotional wall around my heart. You want inside be real! Not fake! Be here all the time, not part of it! In fact make time for me!
Only then will you be allowed inside my Secret Bubble.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
A Couple Monkeys Off My Back. Letting Them Loose In A Court Room
I'm not a sensitive person. I don't like people knowing my business. I may share some stuff. Only a very tiny glimpse of the whole picture. Enough to shut you up, and keep you from asking, and so that I don't look like a cold hearted bitch. Some may find this odd that this comes difficult to me. As talking of sex, child birth, and poop come so easy. Well you see when I talk about those things you are left in shock so you forget to ask about the everyday stuff. I do that for a reason. I don't like YOU knowing. I don't like talking about it. I don't like people to know I struggle. That I struggle financially, health wise, and most of all emotionally at times.
I do struggle. Man do I struggle. Those very close to me know this. Only a very few I let into my Secret Bubble. They know me well enough that I don't have to tell them every thing . They see it. They add 2, and 2 together, She used to do that. She doesn't now. She can't. It must be hard. They know that if it could or should be done, and if I could do it I would. I have a few (very few) precious friends, and a husband that can read me well. They don't get caught up in the whole "you don't look sick thing". They just look at the hell I have been through the past few years.
Most of all for me it's very hard putting my emotions out there. All in the open. For everyone. I can, and will tell you all day long what EDS, POTS, and all the other illnesses have done to my body. They make me feel like this. When I talk about how I feel I often refer to it in a physical sense. Not emotional. I can go on, and on how these conditions have tore my body up. How they cause my pain. Cause my nausea etc; etc; etc;
It's very hard for me to say these illnesses have caused me sadness. They have caused me pain. Not the pain in a physical sense. They have caused me anger (anger comes pretty easy lol), grief, and a deep sense of loss. They at times cause me depression, and make me feel like less of a person. Make me feel of a burden to my husband. I went from being the strong one all the time to being the one who needs cared for some of the time. I went from having a job where I got to please lots of people all day long, and was paid to do so. To fighting for what was mine. My SSI Benefits I worked so hard to pay in. When you take away my income I felt so worthless. I hate not being able to help pay the bills. It pisses me off! It saddens me I can't work. I miss the people. The socialization.
I miss wearing shoes with shoes laces. Shirts with buttons, and pants with zippers. I don't wear these kinds of clothes because they are hard for me. The shoes....I don't bend over. Bending over can cause me to pass out in a New York minute. The buttons are difficult when my hands are numb from neuropathy, and or swollen from joint pain.
I talked about how my kitchen is accommodated to me. I hardly chop vegetables. I used a food processor. When I do chop I have extra light knives, and a tiny light cutting board. I use plastic dishes, and cups for they are lighter. A wooden rolling pin. Marble one is too heavy. I told them of the Godsend Kitchen Aid my sister bought me. How I can dump, and mix. That I can make cookies, and bread again! Things I couldn't do before. My hands can't mix/knead that thick stuff. I cook, and prepare food allot sitting down.
How I shower at night because it wears me out so bad so I can just go to bed afterwards.
There was much more..........if I told you everything you would get bored.......another post another day......
The attorney said things went "really well", and that I did, an "amazing job!"
Now to wait.............
I do struggle. Man do I struggle. Those very close to me know this. Only a very few I let into my Secret Bubble. They know me well enough that I don't have to tell them every thing . They see it. They add 2, and 2 together, She used to do that. She doesn't now. She can't. It must be hard. They know that if it could or should be done, and if I could do it I would. I have a few (very few) precious friends, and a husband that can read me well. They don't get caught up in the whole "you don't look sick thing". They just look at the hell I have been through the past few years.
Most of all for me it's very hard putting my emotions out there. All in the open. For everyone. I can, and will tell you all day long what EDS, POTS, and all the other illnesses have done to my body. They make me feel like this. When I talk about how I feel I often refer to it in a physical sense. Not emotional. I can go on, and on how these conditions have tore my body up. How they cause my pain. Cause my nausea etc; etc; etc;
It's very hard for me to say these illnesses have caused me sadness. They have caused me pain. Not the pain in a physical sense. They have caused me anger (anger comes pretty easy lol), grief, and a deep sense of loss. They at times cause me depression, and make me feel like less of a person. Make me feel of a burden to my husband. I went from being the strong one all the time to being the one who needs cared for some of the time. I went from having a job where I got to please lots of people all day long, and was paid to do so. To fighting for what was mine. My SSI Benefits I worked so hard to pay in. When you take away my income I felt so worthless. I hate not being able to help pay the bills. It pisses me off! It saddens me I can't work. I miss the people. The socialization.
I miss wearing shoes with shoes laces. Shirts with buttons, and pants with zippers. I don't wear these kinds of clothes because they are hard for me. The shoes....I don't bend over. Bending over can cause me to pass out in a New York minute. The buttons are difficult when my hands are numb from neuropathy, and or swollen from joint pain.
I talked about how my kitchen is accommodated to me. I hardly chop vegetables. I used a food processor. When I do chop I have extra light knives, and a tiny light cutting board. I use plastic dishes, and cups for they are lighter. A wooden rolling pin. Marble one is too heavy. I told them of the Godsend Kitchen Aid my sister bought me. How I can dump, and mix. That I can make cookies, and bread again! Things I couldn't do before. My hands can't mix/knead that thick stuff. I cook, and prepare food allot sitting down.
How I shower at night because it wears me out so bad so I can just go to bed afterwards.
There was much more..........if I told you everything you would get bored.......another post another day......
The attorney said things went "really well", and that I did, an "amazing job!"
Now to wait.............
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