Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A 1 Handed Biotch Again Strokes Are No Fun

As some of you know I suffered from a stroke last summer. After many months of grueling PT, and OT. I fully recovered. It was hard, and at times I was not sure I could do it. Well I did. I had to. To many things required two hands. Plus walking with a walker in your 30's is not my ideal of fun times. I worked from a walker to a cane to eventually nothing. Not without allot of self doubt, physical anguish, and family drama.

Somehow I made a full recovery.

Last night what started out as chest pain ended in another stroke. This makes my second one. At one point I thought it was 2002, and Bush was president. My face had severe droop, and my speech was slurred. Left arm, and leg useless. I had no idea how I was going to get downstairs to the car? An ambulance would wake my kids. Kid see a ambulance, and think someone is dying. So no meat wagon. Down on my ass I went. Hubby held the useless arm, and leg. Not before getting mad, crying a little screaming, saying lots profanity though. Only then I went down those steps left side numb one at a time. I had to harness my anger. I had to use the embarrassment of my neighbors gawking at me of an ambulance hauling out of my apartment. Also the fear my kids would have had seeing their Mama getting hauled away in an ambulance while they just kissed her good night a few hours prior.So down I went. On my ass. 1-2-3. Thump. Thump. Thump.

This is hard to do with children, and happen to have five at home. They need Mama. Mama to cook, Mama to clean, and her to just be herself. They don't understand when things change so drastically. They just want dinner, and they want it now! So when Mama can't make a meal for herself let alone six other people they are left confused. The oldest two have to fill shoes that teenage girls shouldn't have to. That breaks my heart. They shouldn't have to take care of their little brothers, cook, clean, run the errands, and still go to school. They are kids too. The little ones are worried, and make me get well cards, and told all their teachers. Burdens little hearts shouldn't have to carry.

My hubby is left to watch is wife suffer. So he too suffers. He is so consumed with worry it effects him just as much. Then the stress of making sure kids are taken care of, missing work, phone calls, and taking care of me. When things like this happen he refuses to leave my sight. This illness by far doesn't just effect me it effects him too. Who is here for him? He is kinda left hanging my crap shoot rope. When things like this happen he is stuck holding one giant rope each time. So many things piled on him. So I watch him on this vicious  cycle climbed up, and  climb down. Sadly there really is not many people here for him! Who is here to pat his back, and tell him everything will be okay? When I'm off in Lala Land thinking 2002. I have watched him go without sleep, food, clean clothes, and moral support each time I'm in the hospital. Sometimes he won't eat simply because he will not leave my side to go get food. Other times he doesn't eat because he has no money to eat. We always have lots of food at home. But that is at home, and how to go get it?

It breaks my heart to watch this! To watch him pace the floor. To tap his feet while sitting with anxiety. He is worried. Who is here to sit with me so he feel comfortable to go home for awhile, and visit his 5 kids? Maybe get a shower? A bite to eat? You would had thought he won the lottery when our daughter surprised him one day with a Whooper from Burger King. Then when he gets home he has more worry. The financial worry of missing work. The fear of leaving his wife while he leaves to drive over the road. How will I get to PT, OT? Last time I went 4-6 times a week. He doesn't handle stress well, and he doesn't like change. I kind of changed his whole world in one night.

This hurts me to the core..........

My illness effects this whole family, and that I dislike. He says he never gets tired of taking care of me, and I believe him. Yet I still fill horrible!

In the end it's always the same, hubby, and I work through chaos. I understand everyone is to busy to help. People have things to do I get that. Well I'm busy too. Building a strong marriage. Working on getting better, and raising humble kids. Whom I can only hope continue to stick together, and help one another like they do now. After they are all grown, and leave my house. That when they have grand babies they will desire to care for them when their parents cannot. That in a true family emergency they are never to busy for one another. They will help one another out. In an emergency this Mama, and eventually when I'm a Grandmama is never to busy. Complicated to help? Maybe, but I would do it. I care for my kids now at times of pain. I just suck it up, and do it. I can dream right?

Well I guess this is round two. Here I go. I know I will have lots work to do. Here is to nothing. Here is to hard work. I know I can do this, and I will. I will fight like hell until there is no fight left in me. Because I don't have time for this shit!

****puts on her big girl panties****


  1. oh girl, i'm w/ you in spirit, wishing i could be w/ you there to help! *big hugs* i'm so sorry this had to happen, especially a second time, it's just not fair! but your marriage is one that i look up to, the strength of the love you have for each other is beautiful and makes me know that me and my sweetie can make it through the darkest of days <3 and i'm telling you as a person who grew up w/o parents, you are one of the most awesome moms out there, this little setback doesn't change that in the least! your kids have so much love surrounding them- i've seen it when we met- this doesn't change that at all, if anything you will appreciate and love them even more! sending every spoon i have, and lots of *hugs*

  2. you have my prayers, and my admiration. Hugs

  3. Keep fighting the fight, riding the wave and this too shall pass

    1. Thank you very much!!!! Yes you are right! This too shall pass.