Sunday, October 23, 2011

Never Simple

My life is never simple. It’s filled with rules, and restrictions, and things I have to do. This is my normal. This is the way I live. I have to do many things to just have an okay day. Nothing is as simple as talking on the phone, or going where I want. There is always strings attached. Many, many strings.

So no I don’t avoid you. I don’t ignore you. Sometimes it’s just to much for one day. Sometimes all the preparations are not worth what I’m trying to do in the first place. I’m over wishing that things could be simple. Things could be easy. That I was healthy. Or that I had more money. I’m not healthy, and I’m poor. I’m also short, and have hazel eyes. This is just how it is. My illness is a part of me just the same as my eye color. Sometimes it sucks. Just the same as being 4'10, and wearing a size 3/4 extra wide shoe does. Does that mean I don’t climb on counters to reach things? Ask my husband to reach things. My kids to climb for me. Footstools are a must in my house. As is sturdy chairs to climb on.  Sometimes I ask strangers in the store to reach stuff. I recently bought a tool to grab things up high. Sometimes I use spatulas, cooking spoons or fly swatters to reach things. Whatever it takes. I’m not going to NOT do something because of my pain in the a$$ height. I get it done. I find away. If plan A fails I hatch plan B. It’s never easy.......As like my very tall husband just reaches whatever on the highest cabinet shelves, and goes about his way. My vertical challenge will not stop me from getting the food on the top shelf at the store, and reaching my favorite bowl in the house. I just say “what do I need to do?”, and I do it.

My illness is the same way. I have to drink massive amounts of fluid a day. Take lots of pills. I have a list of food, that are not recommended. I’m lactose intolerant. I poop all the time, and therefore know where any John is anywhere I go. I pee all the time also. I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. I’m supposed to eat several small meals. I have to have things in my pure for pain, nausea, and runny nose. If I’m going to go some place loud I accept the fact my brain is gong to scramble. I won’t be able to think straight. My brain doesn’t do well anymore with stimulating environments. With lots of movement, and noise. I can’t drive much anymore. I don’t sweat so the heat is a big deal of things I can’t do. The extreme cold causes lot’s of pain, and numb extremities.  Everything that is done has to be planned. I have to ask myself allot of questions. Sometimes it’s as simple as can I handle it. My life is not just carefree do as I please anymore. I have to make choices, and choose what I want to do most. Planning. Nothing is without planning.

It’s always complicated. Always steps, and rules. I have learned to accept it. My life has never been day. Why start now? I embrace my complicated life for this is the cards I have been dealt. I can choose to be pist off or carry on happy. I choose to be happy about it. That is not to say that sometimes I don’t get discouraged. Sometimes I get pist off. Sometimes I’m sad. Aren’t you? Even those whom say their life is exactly the way the want it get these emotions. Why am I different? I just have strings attached. I still have normal human emotions.

You can love me the way that I’m or walkaway. I don’t have enough energy to fight with people anymore. On a daily basis. I have to reserve my fight for just living. So if I’m fighting with you all the time I have no fight left for me. To get out of bed. To do the simple things like clean my house, and care for my kids. It then becomes hard to keep a positive outlook. I can’t afford to not be positive about this. Hate breeds. The old saying ‘birds of a feather, flock together’. I don’t want to be mean, nasty, and hateful. I have no dire to be pist off all the time. Life goes on no matter how we feel. If I gave into all this negativity I would only feel worse. Mentally, and physically. I can’t afford anymore sick. I don’t have time. I have things to do. The same as you. I just have to do them differently. I still get them done. I can’t give up. If I did who would do everything for me? Not you or anyone else. So I mine as well fight like hell to be sure I can do what I need to do on my own. With all my rules, and strings. My many complications, and hard times. I just fight through it. You may not like who I have become, but I manage just fine. My method serves me well. I could be worse, and I could do less. I just wish you could see that I’m pretty amazing. I have lots of talents, and abilities. As does everyone in this world. I’m not just ‘this illness’, and all its complications. I’m still me just a little different. I can’t afford to not be strong. I will not let this illness win. I have better things to do. I also have plans. They may have changed, but plans all the same. I was meant to do more than this.

So everyday I wake up with a fight, and I end my night with a fight. How I choose to win my fight is my business. You may not agree, but in the end I get things done. Despite I could have many excuses. What’s the point? Other than I have my own standards to live up to. So I will keep fighting, and I will keep being me. Just slightly different, and changed. Still the same me inside. It’s a shame you don’t see it.

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