Sunday, October 30, 2011

Just Because I Have A Vagina Doesn't Mean I Don't Feel The Need To Support My Family

I got my first job when I was 14 years old. I did take a year off when I had my first child. I had other income coming in so I could do so. It wasn't like I took off work all the way. In that year I tried to go back to school, and I also had a part time job vacuuming the breezeways at the apartments I lived in. It was 2 days a week. I have worked from home, and worked outside the home. I always worked. Most of time I had 3 that was a day job that paid, the second I did hair on the side for pocket money, the third was my home, and family. All of which I don't get paid to do. Still a job all the same. I liked to work. I accepted it as what I had to do. I didn't mind. Many days I was on my feet from when I got up until right before bed. 

I feel this need to take care of my family. To pay bills, and be able to financially provide for them. I never was into that the whole Stay At Home Mom thing. Not that I thought it was bad, frankly I had to much energy to stay home all day. I also am a people person. I craved the attention I got from the many people I dealt with in my work. I like to please people. When you work with  the public you get to please many. Everyday if you are good. So work was not just 'what I had to do' it was a solace to me. Then at home I worked more. Most every night a home cooked meal, and a clean home. On top of school functions for the kids. It's what I did, and I liked it. Always on the go. 

Now you fast forward to the time now. Now I'm disabled. I don't work. This was such a hard time in my life. TO GIVE UP WORKING. It is still hard on me. Just because I have a vagina doesn't mean I don't feel the need to support my kids. I never bought into the whole man's job, and women's job thing. I'm a major Tom Boy at heart so I feel you can do what you want. I often had jobs I was the only women. I liked it that way. I didn't mind. I get along better with men. I was the same as most men. They feel this intense need to care for their wife, and kids. Well I have an intense need to help my husband 'bring home the bacon'. Why should it only be him that works? Only be his responsibly? I helped make those babies too. 

When I met my husband he thought that women should stay home care for the home, and kids. I informed him right away I wasn't that kind of girl. I will cook with the best, and I keep a clean house. I also love being a mom. However staying home to do so was not an option. It took a few years, but he realized he wasn't going to change this about me. He also realized after we started having kids that I could do both. Many times he couldn't keep up with me. I worked, and he accepted I needed to. Of course he didn't mind the help paying the bills either. 

Now I can't, and I feel like crap for that. I fight the 'worthless' feeling daily. I ask myself all the time 'could I go back to school? To learn a new less physical job?' Some say yes, some say no. I think about it all the time. I miss work. I miss all the things work gave me. Including money. The people. The fact that you accomplish things daily. You get paid for your talents, and knowledge. I see my husband struggle to make enough money, and it kills me! I feel that I have failed because I can't help him. He has never told me this, it's what I feel on my own. 

I sit here day after day, and think...think...think. Is this all that life has in store for me? Could I do more? I mean it's safe to say there hasn't been hardly anytime at all that I don't do little jobs on the down low. It's not much, and allot of time it kills me. Yet mentally I feel I have to. I'm always hustling up some money on the side even when my body doesn't like it. I just can't stay home all day, and do nothing. I may say nothing, but really it's not. I clean. Care for my youngest all day, and other 3 when they get home. I still cook a home cooked meal all the time. We rarely eat out. I even cook for others. I help friends out when they need it. So I do things, just things most often I don't get paid for. It is hard!

Mentally I'm still the same old me. Always on the go. Can do many things all at once. Mentally my memory is till good. I'm still sharp as a speedy plump little tack. However my new sick body often doesn't match my brain. My brain, and heart (body) are two separate entities. They usually fight over what I can, and can't do. Not very often, but some days I get LUCKY, and they are on the same page. Not very often. This get me into allot of trouble. How do I know which is right? The brain? Or the heart?

So I have been trying to get into some hobbies. Must of them can pay me to do so. Hey what can I say? I'm always hustling.......I feel I have to! So at least I'm trying to jeep busy, and earn a few bucks too. I don't know if I can ever fight the working urge? Who knows.....maybe I do need to go back to school?

Just never assume that giving up work is easy. At least not for me. Just because I'm a women doesn't magically make the not working transition easier. Not all women are created equal, and we aren't all the same. Just like if a man got injured on the job most would feel guilty. It would eat at them not being able to care for their family. Why am I any different? It doesn't go away easy.............................


  1. I usually don't comment here but wanted you to know that I always visit ;-)
    -Random Jelly

  2. I hear you babe. Like you I've always worked, hell I was carrying crates of died apricots when I was 12 (we lived in the country) for cash, and picked everything from garlic to peaches. I've cleaned houses and school toilets. I worked my way through uni to get my degrees and loved my job and did locum work on the side for extra cash. My choice would be to work, to earn my own wage, to take some of the burden off my husband. I hate that I am unable to do so at present. Working also suited me, I loved what I did, and yes I have kids but they didn't miss out. I still did all the mum stuff and work made me happy. It's so hard to leave that part of yourself behind. :(

  3. I have been there too. I worked for years as a nursing assistant, even though my legs couldn't take the job well. I felt this need to take care of my 4 children as well. However, because of my EDS, my working ended in 2008. I am going back to school to try to be a teacher, because I still want to work. In all reality, though, I am worried that I am getting all these student loans to still not be working when I am done. I worry about how many people will see the wheelchair and find a reason to not hire me. I worry that even if I get a job, I will have a difficult time doing it. So why do I continue to do this? I'm still not sure, except to say that I have that overwhelming desire to help my husband provide. I think some of my guilt comes from the fact that my husband is currently working still, and he also has EDS. I feel guilty that he is working with it and I'm not. See you on the jelly board.