Monday, March 12, 2012

To Love Is To Love In Times Of Shit. Not Just Glory.

When you love. Love hard. Love all the time. Don't just love me when I'm happy. When I'm pretty. Thin. Looking good, hair done, and my make up is on. My clothes match. When I feel good. When something good had happened. When I have money. When my house is clean, and I cook a good meal. When my dog is being a good girl. When my cat shits in it's box.

Don't just love me when my kids say something cool. When they do something good. When I post a cute little pic on FB. When they get good grades. Or because I got a daughter who is brave, and going to be a Marine. Or when I tell you I took another sweet girl in who needed a home. Not just when one of the kids gets an injury, or is sick. When they do something that gets then recognized at school.

 Love me when I have the shits, and I have The Ring Of Fire. When I'm hungry, and don't know what I want. When I puke up everything so I want food, but I'm scared to eat. When I'm a dumb ass, and eat foods that give me migraines. Then suffer in pain all the next day. Love me when I'm pist off that doctors don't understand me! When I'm pist off my medications cost so much. When I can't find a doctor to treat me period! Love me when I'm to sick to play with my kids. To sick to cook a good meal. Or clean my house. Love me when I'm to sick to hangout with my sister. Love me when I'm pist off for no reason. Love me when I'm grumpy because the pain is unbearable! When my knee hurts so bad, and is dislocating so I can't even leave my upstairs apartment. Love me when I have a stroke, and need help to the toilet to take a shit. Love me when I have a Hemiplegic Migraine, and need someone to push me in the wheelchair. When I'm having one of my sucky days that fall into my list of restrictions that I can't drive. Come haul my ass around. Love me when I just need a Friend. When I need an ear to bitch on the phone. When I need some decorating advice. Clothing advice. Love me when my husband is gone over the road, and I'm lonely!

Love is love. It loves all the time. If you love me you love me all the time. Not when it's convenient. Not when you have time. Not when I'm at my best. I have a chronic illness. I wake up not knowing what each day will bring. Love knows no strings. You can't pick which parts you love, and ignore the rest. So love all of me. I never said I wouldn't piss you off. Or you me. But don't just love me for the sake of the public eye. PLEASE don't just love me on FB. Or because you think you have to. Who cares what people think! I DON'T!!!! Love me for all the right reasons. Not the parts you think you can pick. If you don't love me that's fine.........................Walk away!

My illness has effected my memory in many ways, but one area of my memory that still serves me well is my emotional memory. It's like an old school Rolodex. I can flip back to a time you did what, and when to hurt me. Sure it's like that Pink Floyd song. Another Brick In The Wall. "All in all you where all just bricks in the wall" That is how I feel. The hurt people have done I have created an emotional wall around my heart. You want inside be real! Not fake! Be here all the time, not part of it! In fact make time for me!

Only then will you be allowed inside my Secret Bubble.


  1. I love you Dara, good or are making a difference in the world of POTS/EDS/Dys by being real and saying out loud what we are all thinking on the inside. Never stop being so true to yourself, it helps those of us muster up courage to do the same.
    Autumn xo

  2. Yeah, what she said! (:
    Ok, seriously, I know Autumn and I are the mushy social worker ones, but this made me cry real tears of joy, sadness, and from laughing.....we love you Dara!

  3. This is awesome and it resonated with me so deeply. Thanks for writing this!