I'm not a sensitive person. I don't like people knowing my business. I may share some stuff. Only a very tiny glimpse of the whole picture. Enough to shut you up, and keep you from asking, and so that I don't look like a cold hearted bitch. Some may find this odd that this comes difficult to me. As talking of sex, child birth, and poop come so easy. Well you see when I talk about those things you are left in shock so you forget to ask about the everyday stuff. I do that for a reason. I don't like YOU knowing. I don't like talking about it. I don't like people to know I struggle. That I struggle financially, health wise, and most of all emotionally at times.
I do struggle. Man do I struggle. Those very close to me know this. Only a very few I let into my Secret Bubble. They know me well enough that I don't have to tell them every thing . They see it. They add 2, and 2 together, She used to do that. She doesn't now. She can't. It must be hard. They know that if it could or should be done, and if I could do it I would. I have a few (very few) precious friends, and a husband that can read me well. They don't get caught up in the whole "you don't look sick thing". They just look at the hell I have been through the past few years.
Most of all for me it's very hard putting my emotions out there. All in the open. For everyone. I can, and will tell you all day long what EDS, POTS, and all the other illnesses have done to my body. They make me feel like this. When I talk about how I feel I often refer to it in a physical sense. Not emotional. I can go on, and on how these conditions have tore my body up. How they cause my pain. Cause my nausea etc; etc; etc;
It's very hard for me to say these illnesses have caused me sadness. They have caused me pain. Not the pain in a physical sense. They have caused me anger (anger comes pretty easy lol), grief, and a deep sense of loss. They at times cause me depression, and make me feel like less of a person. Make me feel of a burden to my husband. I went from being the strong one all the time to being the one who needs cared for some of the time. I went from having a job where I got to please lots of people all day long, and was paid to do so. To fighting for what was mine. My SSI Benefits I worked so hard to pay in. When you take away my income I felt so worthless. I hate not being able to help pay the bills. It pisses me off! It saddens me I can't work. I miss the people. The socialization.
I miss wearing shoes with shoes laces. Shirts with buttons, and pants with zippers. I don't wear these kinds of clothes because they are hard for me. The shoes....I don't bend over. Bending over can cause me to pass out in a New York minute. The buttons are difficult when my hands are numb from neuropathy, and or swollen from joint pain.
I talked about how my kitchen is accommodated to me. I hardly chop vegetables. I used a food processor. When I do chop I have extra light knives, and a tiny light cutting board. I use plastic dishes, and cups for they are lighter. A wooden rolling pin. Marble one is too heavy. I told them of the Godsend Kitchen Aid my sister bought me. How I can dump, and mix. That I can make cookies, and bread again! Things I couldn't do before. My hands can't mix/knead that thick stuff. I cook, and prepare food allot sitting down.
How I shower at night because it wears me out so bad so I can just go to bed afterwards.
There was much more..........if I told you everything you would get bored.......another post another day......
The attorney said things went "really well", and that I did, an "amazing job!"
Now to wait.............
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