Friday, July 6, 2012
I Have Bad Days Too. Sometimes I'm A Flat Out Bitch
When I feel bad I'm a bitch. When I'm sad I'm a bitch. When my body hurts you guessed it. Bitch status for sure. When I'm confused. Yep bitch. When instead I should say 'hey I need a hug.' Or maybe I could tell my husband 'it would feel great if you would hold me.' Or when it's physical things that bother me I could merely ask for a pain pill. Or a heating pad. Or even my hubby to rub my head when I have a migraine. Will he do these things. Most times yes. Will I ask? No. I just want him, and all others just by some mythical powers to.....just know. To know what I need. To know what I want. To state my needs, and wants makes me weak. Makes me less strong. Or so I have made myself think. It lessens my bad ass powers. Pussies sit around, and ask for drinks, and pills, and food. Ya, and stuff. So in my mind I have made myself think that if I ask for things it makes me weak........ I haven't always had things easy. So I live with this constant need for approval. I get mine by being a hard ass. By being tough. Well if I had to ease up the reigns, and be not so tough well then would I be me? I have already lost so much of me with this illness. What I do have left is my fight. My bad ass status. You take that away? Well then who am I? What am? What is left? Sorry folks I'm not set up to be Suzy House-maker. To sit around, and be all tra-la-la-la-la. In a nice dress, and heels. Who you can always count on to NOT make a scene in the grocery store. I cuss. I love tattoos. I do things the wrong way. I'm the chick who will be 80 with pink hair. I have no desire to conform. So if I have to start being all 'baby please hold me' then I feel like I will become a pussy. Yet then I cannot not go on treating those like shit when I hurt either? So what's a dame to do? I got myself in a little pickle. This is illness. This is life. It sucks sometimes. It's hard sometimes. I will not lie about it. I will not sugar coat it. I have been a bitch to live with for a feel days. I have had some of the worse pain EVER these past few days. I mean like walking on glass then legs feel like someone poured screaming hot lava in your skin. So then when I hurt I wanna piss myself. So I have to walk around with cross legs. Then that neuropathy pain triggers a migraine because I get lazy, and eat trigger foods. Then the pain itself causes a tension headache. The pain makes my heart goes crazy. Tachycardia like a mofo. Then mu colon gets jealous, and say me too! So it goes nuts, and poops 10 times a day. Ya I wanna get up to poop with lava feet! The pain has been so bad my pain pills hasn't touched it! But still I need to pull my head out of my ass. This is my family. It's not their problem I hurt. It's not their business. Just like I always tell others. NEVER TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT WHEN YOU FEEL BAD. IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM, OR BUSINESS WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON. THEY GOT THEIR OWN DRAMAS. Well I need to take my own advice. My hubby is a good man, and my kids are good kids. They deserve a million gold stars fore putting up with me! I have been in one those 'oh I wish I was normal' ****banjo playing**** moods. I wish I was the old me. I wish I was normal. Sniff sniff. Fuck that! That shit is gonna happen about as soon as people quit bitching about government, politics, and religion. Ya see NEVER! So the sooner I suck it up the better. I just need to explain to my man what to say to me when I feel like this. Or to NOT say. I have been bummed sure. Lave legs, and pissing ones pants would do it to anyone! It never lasts long. So when I disappear for awhile just know it's one of my moods, and during these moods I don't play well with others. Yes baby even me has bad, unsocial, pist off moods. And it is okay. It's okay because I deal with that shit! I don't judge others that are not like me. The house wives, the anal no cussing folks. The Bible folks. Just as I expect the same no judgment here too. This world is large, and takes all kinds of folks to make it whole. I'm just one of them. I'm right. You are right. There are 1000 ways to do things. All of which are right. When I get confused like this I think of my favorite Pink Floyd song. In The Flesh. Here is my favorite part. With that I will leave you with this ramble. This is a day in my life. How it is. How I feel. Real uncut. Un perfect. Insane at times. No rainbow farts today. "Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine? Is this not what you expected to see? If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."