Don't Judge Me By What I Do And Don't Do

You see me at the store. My hair is all coiffed perfect. Colored green, and black. I have a cute hairstyle, and my makeup looks good. I seem happy. I'm doing the things other Moms do. I'm buying food. I'm playing with my kids. I seem in control. I'm not in a wheelchair. I'm not carrying around an oxygen tank. I don't look like one of the zombies form Michael Jackson's Thriller. I don't have a wooden leg, and I have all 10 toes. So I can't be sick right? WRONG! If you only knew for 1). The prep it took me to be able to go to the store, and 2). the hell crash after math I will pay just for going to the store. When a normy wants to go to the store they make a list, they get dressed, get their kids, and they go. Me? Let me tell you what I have to do just to go to the DAMN store. You see me, and say "oh well she looks good!" Oh I shall tell you just what it takes to "look good", and "not sick".

Okay so I cut my own hair. I have to because my damn meds cost 250-300 a month so I can't afford a haircut in a salon. While I'm happy I CAN cut my own hair it takes me an hours an a half. Cut a little let arms fall. Because when you have POTS, and lift your arms above your head your get dizzy! So a what should be a 15 minute haircut turns into an hour, and a half. I color my hair funny colors to be fun. It gives me some happy in a shitty illness. So ya that is me. Fun nothing else. Sometimes however I'm to weak, and my husband has to do my color. Ya a man does my color. After 10 years of marriage he has seen it enough he knows how to do it.   The shower I took before I can to the store. I can't bend over to shave my legs. If so I will pass out in the shower. If I lift my arms to long I see stars. So I have learned to shave my arm pits faster than you can say Mississippi. I use barely warm water. To hot makes me dizzy, and to cold makes my BP drop. Sometimes I shower sitting down. My hair is short because I just cant care for long hair any more. Washing, and blow drying long hair is out of the question!

The make up you see me wear? That makes my skin look so good? First off when you have EDS you naturally look younger. That is not some miracle cream. So that is a bonus. I can only wear the kind of foundation that blends to different skin tones. You know comes in Light, light-medium, and medium. I have Medium. Because who knows if I will be medium light, medium dark, or just medium. It changes daily. Depends how I feel, and if I have color that day? My skin color changes with my blood pressure. So if my blood pressure is crap then I'm pale. If I'm having a pretty good day, and feel okay then I just might be my normal skin tone. So that blend to your skin foundation comes in handy vs. buying 6 different foundations. Then there is the 2 coats of concealer, the 2 different kinds of powder too. That all is before the eye makeup, blush, and lipstick. All of which is applied sitting down because of POTS I get dizzy standing up. So I do allot things most people do standing up sitting down.

You look at all my pictures on FaceBook, and you say 'wow how can she be as sick as she says? She sure does allot!' FaceBook is cool because I enjoy sharing my life journey. However I can edit as I choose. So you really think I include everything? No! I can manipulate it as I need it. If my living room is a mess I don't take a picture in there. If I smell bad no one knows. No one knows that I was up until 4am puking with a migraine unless I choose to share it, and that I have insomnia. Unless I tell them I do. FaceBook is the perfect fake it till you make it paradise!

The many things I do, I do so to keep my mind of things. And look closely. Do you see allot pictures of me? No. Why? I look like hell. If you do see me I'm sitting down, or laying down. The pictures of the things I post are things that can be done sitting. Cooking, crafting, writing, playing on the floor with my kids. I have modified my life around this illness. There is not a room in my house that you cannot go into, and see that it has not been modified in some way to suit me. My kitchen has lighter things. A chair, a food processor, a fancy mixer. My bathroom is full of things that are sick friendly. The many meds. The 3 different eye drops, and lighter hair brushes for messed up hands. Bath salts to help with sore muscles, and only the best TP because I poop all the time. Magazines to read when I'm stuck on said John 30 minutes. Then look into my bedroom. Haha if you didn't know me personally you would think I was 87. A CPAP machine, tons of medications, Kleenex, boring bedding, and it's kind of a mess. It doesn't appear to be a room of a young middle aged women.

Sure I do many things. I cook. I clean. I craft, and I make some very cute things. I write, I'm happy. I'm a mom, a friend, a daughter, and I blog. How possibly could I be sick? Well you don't live with me. You are on the outside looking in, and you only see a portion of my life. It doesn't mean that I'm sick any less. It just means that I have a life. I have kids. A husband, dogs, and cats. I have something to live for. People need me. I need them. So I'm driven to want to cook them a meal, be pleasant at least sometimes. To go out, and be with them, and spend time with them. Even if it's hard on me sometimes. And do things for them. It's no different than when I'm sick my husband is driven to want to care for me. I'm still a caregiver too. It gets me out of bed everyday. It helps me move on. It doesn't mean that I'm any less sick than the next guy. It just means that I choose to not let sick take over my life. I just accept it, and realize it's a part of me. The same as I'm short or my eyes are hazel.

You cannot judge people for the lack of what they don't do. Or like me for all the things that I do. My doctor, and husband would be happy to tell you that I'm advised against doing some of them, and other things wear me out really bad. To me it's worth it. I will take a few crashes here, and there to enjoy some glory days once in awhile! If we sit around fearing what might happen, or what could happen that leads for a very boring life. Because when you are ill like me everything could make you worse, and you should always do more than you are currently doing. Eating more. Drinking more water. Eating more salt, eating less fat. Stressing less, and loving more. Taking your meds exactly as prescribed. It always something! Blah blah blah. Plus my ass gets get plum sick of being on the couch. I'm scared I will get a bedsore or something. I have a life to live. It may not be what you think is a good life, but I think it's okay. Sure I'm sick. So what? I'm past that. It's a part of me. It's here to stay. I can't afford to waste my precious energy feeling sorry for myself. There are people way worse than me. Like dead for example!

So I'm gonna live a little, even if it's hard on me sometimes. I have seen people with illnesses far more severe than mine do more than I. Likewise I have seen people with minor alignments do a whole lot less. It boils down to determination. How determined are you? Well me I'm determined that there is more to life than living on this couch. Bitching about others.....judging them, and thinking I know how their life really is. TV sucks, and I can only read so much. So I get up, and every day I do at least 3 things. Because I refuse to just sit rotting away saying I didn't try my best. Please don't judge me! Unless you live with me, and know the full story. You might be surprised just how sick I really am, but somedays you just can't care.............

Slow Down Or Piss Off

Sunset on Crystal Mountain

If you have ever been to where I live. Then you know it's full of natural beauty. There are over a million acres of forest land here. We have mountains, rivers, beautiful lakes, caves, and more trees than you could dream of. You can't forget the trails! There are hiking trails, biking trails, and ATV trails. You could even ride these trails on horse back. Some still ride these trails by covered wagons. I personally know someone who does this. With several of his friends. It's a Tree Huggers paradise. Nature loving to the extreme. Mostly I feel at home in all the natural beauty.

Why people make jokes about incest, and hillbillies when they think about here is beyond me? But I have a sense of humor so I roll with it. Are there dumb asses that live here? Sure! Are there dumb asses that live where you live? Um you bet your ass. We are just a small southern state. Mostly small town southern people. We are nice folks. We do things different than most. So maybe that's why we get made fun of? Oh, and the fact are known for starting Wal*Mart.

A few days ago I was on my way home, and I have to go up, and down Crystal Mountain. Crystal Mountain is lovely. They view is amazing. You can even go inside it, and dig for crystals to keep. It can be a fun drive for some as it is a narrow curvy road. Many love to take this route on a motorcycle. It's part of a scenic route that bikes take all the time to get a good bike ride to get and eye full. You see lots of Harley's, and Honda GoldWing's just cruising along slowly looking around. The view is amazing, and at sunset it is breath taking. This road however SUCKS if you drive a tractor trailer. Just ask my husband. He has been doing it for years, and I hear all about it.

So as I was coming up Crystal Mountain I was behind a cow pot full of cows. I was talking to my hubby, and I started to complain as the driver slowed down to 25 going up Crystal Mountain. My hubby quickly told me to "cut him some slack! If he was doing 25 he was doing good. My chicken truck would only do it at 15 to 20. My current piece of shit truck takes it at 10". Hearing it from my hubby made me realize what these drivers go through. I heard it from my hubby a thousand times. But until right then behind that cow pot I guess I didn't really get how bad it sucked. I listened when he told me, but you know it all didn't really sink in.

They climb these mountains with their foot to the floor, giving that tractor hell, giving it all it's got, pulling between 80,000-85,000 pounds of freight. All they get is between 10-25 miles per hour. Sure the speed limit is still 55. Then you pile in the nice curvy roads too. It's not straight up or down around here. No! It's twisting, and turning let's get your brakes smoking hot kinda roads around here. So you got people tailgating them pist off panties in a bunch because they are in a hurry. The whole we got places to go people to see approach. They ride the trucks tail in a hurry thinking that the driver is driving slow on purpose. Ya okay they are driving 20 up a mountain, because they like looking in the mirror, and seeing you all pissed off on the no passing lane. Ya that's it. NOT! They have a load of hot freight they are hauling, and a time it has to be there. They don't have time to take there time, and play petty games. If you ever take the time to get to know a trucker they are all "on time" why? Hot freight. It's all about freight being on time. That is what they are paid to do.
I have not met a mean, or nasty truck driver yet in my day. I have met hundreds. They are the nicest, kindest down to earth folks you would ever know. Just give them a chance. Think about it a minute when you drive, and get pist off at "stupid drivers" they deal with that every day, day in, and day out. Their jobs count on them not having accidents, and getting no citations. So they are always having to be careful! Then it's their job to be careful with a truck load of cargo. How stressful is that? Pretty stressful? Just ask a trucker sometime...............

So as I was driving behind that cow pot going 20 I backed off, and cut him some slack. I thought you know what I'm not in a hurry. I got nothing to do at home anyways, but dishes. So I will enjoy the view. So I was enjoying my nice slow stroll, and didn't mind the slow pace. When this motorcycle comes up behind me. He is pist of at our 20 mile pace. Even more so he is pist off at the no passing zone on the curvy twisty roads. So he is pist off! I can tell so in my rearview mirror. He is getting closer, and closer to my bumper. Then he would back away a bit, then he would get real close again. He did this about 6 times. So finally we come to the slight straight stretch, and it has a passing zone. So I knew what he was going to do, and before I knew it he was flying around me. But he didn't have time to pass the truck because there was a pickup coming in the opposite direction. So then there he was riding the cow pots bumper. I knew in my mind. On no that is a BAD IDEA!!!! Before I could say to my daughter that such was a bad idea a cow took a piss in the very back of the trailer. The wind caught it, and it went all over that guy on the motorcycle. As he was riding inches from the trailers bumper.

My daughter, and I laughed so hard we almost peed! We soon came to a turn, and that bike flew around that truck like a bad out of hell. I told my daughter "I hope he had somewhere important to go, and now he smells like pee". Not to mention where this happened he is a good 30 minute ride to any civilization. Hahaha

So this is just proof folks slow down or piss off! And cut those truckers some slack while your at it!

I could get lost in this view....my favorite time of day sunset.

Working Through My Pain Barefoot Sitting Down In The Kitchen

Salted Sourdough Pretzel with Cheddar Cheese

In this day in age it takes some tightening the belt to make things possible. Everyone is living with less money. You find yourself asking yourself how can I save some money? How can I do things different in my life, and around my home to save money? For me it was not only to better my well being it gave me things to do. You see the things I cook, and the crafts I make many don't understand the true WHY I do it. The meaning is far deeper than just cooking for my family. It's far deeper than me just not liking the preservatives in packaged foods so when possible I create my own at home. It's much deeper than that. I needed something to feel the empty void that this illness has left me. The "I can't do anything anymore void", so here I was I can't work anymore. I can't hardly go out with friends, I had allot things I could do in the past taken away from me. A doctor told me once told me:

"It's not about what you can't do. It's what you can do, and you my child are still capable of many things. You just have to find new ways of doing the old things you loved."

I had no idea how his statement would impact me that day........He was right, and I took his advice. Mostly in the kitchen. My kitchen got allot of modifications. I love to cook! He was right. How can I cook sick? So my husband helped me find illness friendly ways to modify my kitchen.

You see when you are as sick as me there are reason we do things. Most important a reason to live. Reasons to motivate. Let me tell you Ehlers Danlos hurts really bad sometimes! Then to pack on a double punch it brings on POTS/Dysautonomia, and these killer migraines. So imagine a day in my life folks. Just paint the picture in my life for one tiny second. I have joint pain, it's not uncommon a joint is dislocating, I will have a migraine, and heart palpations with tachycardia. Maybe some dizziness, lightheadedness, and nausea. This is my normal. Daily. Day in, and day out. Some days are worse. But I can't lay around, and say 'wo is me', and 'I wish I was dead'. What good would that do? Nothing. That negativity crap only causes your body to feel worse. The whole mind over matter. So I need things to get lost in my pain. Reasons to get out of bed. Motivation to want to get out of bed. Remember I said I hurt, so if I don't enjoy something I won't want to work through that pain. I know many don't understand it. But I do, and anyone with a chronic illness does. You lay in bed moaning, and groaning you feel worse. Sure some days I can't get up. I'm that sick. But on the days I can, even if it's for a little while there has to be distractions. Because pain is always there. Day in, and day out. Pain does not leave. Pain is a permeant part of my life. My normal. So I must get lost in my pain.

Cream of Mushroom Soup (lactose free)

So along with these illnesses they bring restrictions. Diet restrictions of course. You can't eat this, this, this, and this. Like MSG, and Nitrates I quickly learned they are in everything! Especially MSG. So these led me to getting creative, and learning to make allot of my own food. From scratch. My 2012 New Years Resolution was to cook, and eat less processed foods. You all have to understand that my family, and I did eat that many to begin with. I cooked all the time. Home made meals. So this resolution meant to me getting even MORE creative in the home, and in my kitchen. So by doing this I learned to make my own Cream of Mushroom Soup, Cream of Chicken, seasoning salt, Beef Rice Pilaf, Chicken Rice Pilaf, Herb Rice Pilaf, Lime Ginger Chicken Noodle Soup, and I went back to making my own bread. I even started making these salted pretzels like from the deli. Yet I'm perfecting the cheese dipping sauce. So in the midst of this journey my mom said "why don't you make a cookbook this year for Christmas" You see each year my husband, and I make only homemade gifts for the adults for Christmas. So she suggested that this year I make my own cookbook. She found a place I can print it for not allot of cash. Like she suggested I still pay some money in materials making my crafts. So this is what I'm doing this year. Most people already know, and are very excited as allot of family members always ask for my recipes all the time.

Lime Ginger Chicken Noodle Soup (a must have staple for chronic nausea & vomiting)

So you can imagine the fun, and tedious task it is to cook something you have cooked for 20 years, and 'just know the amounts of spices', then to measure each item. Just when I think I have cooked everything I have ever cooked, and have measured, and written it down my kids or hubby will say "what about this"? So it has turned into a chore to say the least. But you know what folks it gets me out of bed. It keeps my mind off of my pain. It gives me satisfaction that I can still do something. Because like I said it's deeper than just cooking. When one becomes ill we lose a part of ourselves. We can't work no longer. We feel inadequate . I miss the old me. Well cooking is still a part of the old me. I can still cook. Sure I have to sit down now, I use lighter tools, and my Kitchen Aid is a MUST! I was in tears when my sister gave me that for Christmas! It's a Gimples BFF!!!! I make bigger batches when I feel well, and freeze to get through my bad days when I can't cook. When I cook I still feel like I'm taking care of my husband, and kids. That I'm doing better for them because I'm giving them better food. It's not only better quality, less preservatives, and additives. I also do know that with all my diet restrictions I know exactly what is going in my food, and I can control it. So in the kitchen I feel a sense of control that this illness has taken from me elsewhere. This is why I give away so much food. It's my pay it forward. When I worked I paid it forward. so now that I can't I still honor pay it forward with cooking. So I give food to my husbands coworkers, neighbors, whomever. So if I offer you food, don't be offended. It's just my way of giving.

So no you all it's not just cooking it's so much more 'cuz Mama puts love in it'!

illnesssucksfindfunny.com

Honey Oatmeal Bread

I Still am a Bad Ass......Kinda

We all hit tough times in our lives. Some people experience more tough times than others. I'm not different. I'm not immune to these tough times. Sure I appear to be strong, and that I deal with these tough times with stealer abilities. That I come out of bad situations leaving you to believe I'm stronger than when I begun. But I too am human. I have emotions. I have just as many emotions as anyone else. Sometimes these emotions are very intense. That is how I can write things people care to read. Rather it be this blog, a story, or a poem. I feel them with emotion. I just pick, and choose which emotions I want to publicize. It's all the other emotions I don't want you to see. I've gotten good at hiding them. I have even made myself feel unnatural for feeling them at all. They don't come often, but when they do its like a solar storm.

Sadness? This is the hardest for me. So when sadness comes I have no idea what to do with it. In the last few weeks have progressed in this thing I call my life there have been some times of sadness. They have left me with my hands up in the air, and confused. Not sure what to do next. As we all know EDS can be progressive, and I'm not exactly a spring chicken. Me also having POTS, and such severe Migraines doesn't help. Well, and then there is all the other things EDS, and POTS brings to the table. The GI troubles, the neuropathy, and this list goes on, and on. So needless to say my life is well complicated. I have been the tough girl so long I have neglected so many things. So many things have gotten out of control. My pain is being well managed at the moment with my new meds, but I'm still having some very bad days. I'm still faced with the fact that I just can't do what I used to do. I can't do what I want to do. Then there is that whole my mental self is still here. It's still the same. Yet my physical self is fading........

So I struggle. Mentally I'm still a neat freak. I like my house to nice, and neat. I don't like dishes in the sink, and I want the laundry to be done at all times. Mentally this house needs to be clean just in case someone where to show up I wouldn't be embarrassed my house was a mess. Mentally I need to cook a big ass meal every night. Physically well physically sometimes I can only do half that if at all. So I wind up pushing myself to far trying to get all this done. Then when I can't I get upset. So then I push harder. Then when it doesn't happen I get even more upset. I feel like a failure, a loser yada, yada. My hubby helps me as much as he can. But he works nights so he is usually living on limited sleep himself. So I try not to trouble him as much as I can. Even though he offers. But to ask to much makes me feel even worse. So I push even more. And later crash even harder.

So it finally I have come to the conclusion it's time to look into some help around here. Especially when there are times I can't even drive myself to the doctor. To get groceries, or medications. I'm beyond the point of needing some help! My doctor suggested it a year ago. I was just to stubborn to ask for the help back then. I didn't need help!

So here I'm now I just dropped off the application to get home health care. This was a big step for me. Pride wise, and Bass Ass Stregth wise. I had to tell myself that by doing so that I can still be a bad ass. Just in different ways. I'm still a bad ass. I wake up every day, and fight this illness. I don't give in. You don't hear me crying why me? Blah blah blah! And I can eat some pretty hot food. That makes me a bad ass in my kids eyes. I put up all my kids. That alone makes any woman a bad ass! So see I'm still a bad ass. I'm not giving up anytime soon. I'm just admitting that I can't do everything! That I need HELP! Well duh! I mean people as sick as me get help all the time. Most probably gotten help a long time ago! That is why these programs exist. To help people like me.

So why I struggle with this so much is beyond me? But I will just have to suck it up, and move on. Because ya I want something different. Something better. I'm tired of wasting what energy I do have doing dumb crap. When it could be doing things I love. Like playing with my kids, and hanging out with my hubby. So let someone who is getting paid help me do the dumb stuff! Guess I will help the economy to a little. So here I go. I've looked into home health assistance, and I'm checking into service dogs. So wish me luck, and when I'm whining later.....please remind me, to put my big girl panties on, and suck it up! Because I still am a bad ass. Well some days.............anyways just not every-day.

Love is Love it's Not a Sandwich

So what will it be for you?

Remember being a kid, and you enjoyed a good PB&J? Or maybe you fancied a Bologna sandwich? Remember that sense of accomplishment you felt when you where old enough to make your own sandwich? You where hot stuff then. Ya you didn't need help. Didn't have to ask Mom, or Dad or your older siblings to make it for you when you where hungry. You could just waltz in there, and make your own sandwich. Ya that was living buddy! Or where you one of those kids that you could make a sandwich you had the know how you just didn't? You still asked for help. You still asked your Mom, Dad, or older siblings to do it. Maybe your Mom or Dad made a better sandwich? Maybe they could smear the peanut butter on all perfect just like you like it? Or maybe, just maybe you where lazy? It was easy to be all 'but I'm to little to make my own sandwich'? Ahh common on think about it! Think about it people! I admit I was a little of both. When no one was around, and my ass was hungry you bet your ass I made my own sandwich. But yet when someone was around, usually my second oldest sister I was all "but I cannnnnn't I'm tooooooo lidddle" as I was watching Fraggle Rock. Little? Whatever! Busy was more like it! Or lazy?

You get a little older, and you find your self eating different sandwiches. Maybe you graduated up to a grilled cheese or two by now. But being a little kid you eat allot of sandwiches. As a snack at home, at school for lunch, at a friends house, and sometimes fancy ones for dinner. At this point in your life boys, and girls still have cooties, and all you care to do is play outside. Your bike is still awesome, and Kick The Can is amazing. You get pist off when you can't go to the lake, and camping. You feel as though your life will end. Your Mom, and Dad are still cool. And you like spending time with them. You are probably known as the douche bag the older Chili Cheese Fries, and Bacon Cheeseburger eating older siblings. But life is good. Everyone is going to be policemen, firefighters, soldiers, doctors, and lawyers when they grow up.

Then pretty soon Dad talks you into trying a bacon cheeseburger with Miracle Whip, lettuce, and tomatoes, you like it. He tells you ate a grown up sandwich, and says job well done.You are getting boobs, and the boys are noticing at school. You are not sure you care? Then next thing you know you are getting your first kiss, and things are all uphill from there. More new foods come, and go. More boyfriends come, and go. Your parents are all the sudden so bitchy. All these rules! Man when did they get so bitchy? They didn't used to be this way? You just want to do what you want to do damn it! Maybe some of you where still sitting around being 'good kids'. Letting your parents do everything for you? Ya there still where some of those types. Maybe you where one eating a cheeseburger one day, a PB&J the next, then ham & cheese, then roast beef . Maybe you where really daring, and on the same day ate a roast beef, and ham & cheese both. In the same day. I knew some people who did this. Boy did the rumors start about those kids! And behind theirs backs the kids called them sandwich whores. One girl ate a foot long for cigarettes. That had the high school hopping for weeks!

Now your in your early adulthood, and can you live your life without a sandwich? Can your ass even cook? Or did you ever learn to broaden your horizon to learn that there is more to life than just a PB&J? Or do you think that you must have a sandwich everyday to function? Just like when you where say 5? That to pay your bills you need to eat a sandwich? To sleep a night you need a sandwich? To be in good health better eat sandwich! To have fun I have to have a sandwich in the house at all times! Oh no my car broke down I better eat a sandwich or it won't get fixed. My toilet is leaking let me eat a sandwich, and then it will be all fixed. I feel all sad gotta eat me a sandwich. My life isn't complete without a sandwich in it.

Next your question is? What kind? Roast beef? PB&J, Ham& Cheese, Grille Cheese, Salami on Rye, Tuna on a Pita, a Panini, a Club, oh the selections are endless! There is a sandwich for every tastebud, and if you go to the right kind of sandwich shop, and talk sweet they will customize it. Sometimes you are left hoping that after you get home that sandwich will taste as hoped, and will it satisfy your hunger? Maybe it did or didn't last time? Will it this time? Will it always taste the same to you? Will your sandwich always be there when you are hungry? Or will your best friend sneak in your fridge, and eat it? Maybe you are one of those people who really don't like tuna fish but you eat it any way because you think it's good for you, and it compliments your healthy lifestyle. You know you rather, have the ham, and honestly it wouldn't give you the shits everyday. Or maybe soup would be your solution? At least until your butt heals. Yet still day after day you eat your tuna fish, and as your friends say "look at you eating all healthy" you smile, go home shit, and cry. Then get up put some cream on your ass to cover the scars, and go back for more. All because tuna looks good, and ham is boring and salty even though if you ate it you would be feel better, and be happy.

Then there are some who like me who ate so many damn sandwiches as a kid they are not my favorite. I ate enough Bologna to choke a village. I ate so many PB&J's I told myself that no one was ever going to force me to eat one ever again. I would only eat one on my terms only! I also told myself I could care less if I ate Bologna again. So as I became an adult I was first confused by love. I at first thought I needed love, and a sandwich to survive. It didn't take me long to realize I didn't need either. They BOTH where childhood comforts of mine. I didn't need either to survive. I didn't need a man to live. Nor must I eat a sandwich for lunch everyday. I needed my own strong will to live.

So then in my early twenties after an abusive relationship that lasted about three years to long I go it all right. I filed a Protection From Abusive Order from that man, and I have never looked back. I then lived many years single. Learning to be independent. I picked it up. My daughter was very small then. I decided then I would raise her to be an independent women, and any kids I had there after would be raised the same. No one should believe they NEED a man or a women to get along in life. Because then what happens is we settle. We just grab the first sandwich that comes along. Maybe it's the cheapest, or what we think we should be eating. Or when one sandwich moves out we move a new one right back in. And we love this one ohhhh so much! And the next, and the next, next, next.

With the divorce rates what they are in the US it time to get serious on taking love serious. Life isn't about money, it's not about material BS, and what this sandwich can do for you. Love is a complicated thing. It's not as simple as when you get divorced as soon as your alimony is over your automatically are in love again. Coincidence? Because you where stocking the sandwich shops before the divorce was final. Tsk tsk tsk tsk! Love is patient, and love is kind. So then why are you in such a hurry, and so pist off?

Life doesn't require one always like sandwiches. Some are happy eating bratwursts, or toilet paper, or how about just eating a sweet potato all alone? Happily ever after.

I'm Not a Drug Seeker, I'm a Life Seeker

Oxycontin 10mg Slow release: This is what independence looks like 

If you are on pain medications, especially narcotics you probably have had it happen. You probably at some point have been called a pill seeker, a druggie, a junkie, a pill head, a stoner, a loser. Crap I have heard them all. Sadly I've heard most of these names being thrown around by doctors, and nurses. I don't judge them though. It just saddens me to the core. It saddens me that they have become so jaded. Cold, and judgmental to people like me.

Ya people like ME. People in pain. That have pain. Real life pain every day. Pain that is there when I wake up. When I go to sleep. The pain is there when I read a story to my kids. Pain when I cook them dinner. Pain when I play with them. There is pain when I make love to my husband. Pain when you see me smiling in the grocery store. Always pain. Sometimes I can hide it. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes it leaves me in bed for days. So what's a girl to do? I have a life to live. I have kids to care for. A husband I love to spend time with, and things I want to do. I never asked to be pain free. Just have a tolerable pain level. Just please make me not be a bitch so that I can live. Please? Someone? Anyone? And while you are it don't judge me for it. Don't think I only wan't to take medications to 'get high' or 'have happy pills'.

When I was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome one of the first things the geneticist suggested I do was address my pain. He could tell right away I was in pain, and looking over my records how could I not be? I have arthritis, bursitis, scoliosis, sacroiliitis, Migraines, and blah, blah. The list goes on. Then there are the random dislocations, and sublaxations. The biggest thing he could "see it in my eyes". So he wrote in my letter of recommendation to my PCP for pain management.

Pain Management? What is this Pain Management. When I got to the follow up with my PCP he was thrilled with the idea. He said that in the state I live in he is only allowed to write two narcotic prescriptions a year for the same diagnosis. If I need any more than that I have to go to pain management. He then informed me that he had been wanting to suggest pain management to me, but didn't know how to bring it up. My PCP is really shy. Suggestions like this don't come easy. Who knows how I might react? He then told me that he can tell by body language, and my vitals etc. That my pain has been a problem for some time. When I say I have a pain scale of a 3 it's really an 8 or so. That this is common in chronic pain. When you live so long in chronic pain you tend to forget how bad it is. In other words you build a high pain tolerance. He then told me he thinks this is the source of my fatigue. Pain makes you tired. Really doctor?

So he writes the referral, and I'm unsure. As my sister was in pain management, and those programs can be so demeaning. They drug test her. The staff was rude to her. So I was scared. This clinic my sister went to treated her like a drug addict. My doctor assured me that he would NEVER refer me to a place like that. He was right. This doctor was wonderful! She knew of EDS, and was so knowledgable in Migraines. She has been a jewel in my care. She has helped me more than anyone. She explained pain to me. How it was effecting my brain. That being in pain was effecting my mood. Yes pain was making me a bitch. And yes pain was making me tired. Yes pain played a role in effecting your blood pressure, heart rate, respirations, and even body temperature. Hmmm You don't say?

It took her a long time to get through to me about medications. To convince me that I needed a daily low dose pain reliever. She gently suggested many times. Then she finally on the last visit when my BP was high said "look you normally have low BP. Your BP is high. You are pale. You don't look good, and your being short with me. Your always chipper. YOUR IN PAIN SISTER! Now what do you say you take the meds daily? Give it a month okay? Come back, and see me. If It don't work we can find something else. TRY IT ONE MONTH DOCTORS ORDERS!" She then patted me on the back, and assured my I was no drug addict! I was far from one. That I was on a very low dose. Far from the highest dose. That I don't take near the pills she ever would be concerned for dependency. In fact I under medicate at times. I let my pain get out of control at times. She told me that if I ever felt things where getting out of hand come to her. Also if she felt things where getting out of hand she would come to me, and we would discuss options. I was not an drug addict. I was a patient in pain who needed treatment. No different than a diabetic. Pain medication is just that medication. It has risks, but many benefits when used probably. I agreed. OMG that conversation helped me so much. Finally a doctor DIDN'T think I was a pill seeker. Yet still though I left her office thinking I will show her! I don't need these pills! I can fight this on my own! I'm a rebel I know!

I was sleeping 10 hours a night. And taking a nap or 2. When I was normal I slept 6-7 hours a night. Maybe 8 on a very bad day. At this time of my life even awake I was tired. My brain always drifted. I yawned all the time. I was always tired. I dozed off all the time. I couldn't be trusted to drive more than 15-20 mins. I would fall asleep at the wheel. I was a tired mess. Always sleepy. Always wanted to go to sleep.

Week one on the meds I notice I can cook more. This is cool. My hubby noticed I'm not as short tempered. He said "I'm acting like myself again". I noticed I had this new desire to do stuff. Like it wasn't so hard to clean, and cook anymore. I wanted to go places.

Week two on the meds I noticed I was sleeping less. I no longer needed the naps. Huh this is cool. I was not dozing on the couch sitting up as much. So this week I get an idea. I change my dosing schedule. These meds are slow release 12 hour meds. So I start to take one at bedtime. With my nighttime meds. I know my CPAP is effective it's been tested. So if I'm not sleeping well, it's not that causing my fatigue. OMG this switch was ew lala! All the difference in the world! I must have been dislocating in my sleep? Maybe? Or I just had bad pain in my sleep? Whatever this worked. I noticed doing so I got my internal alarm back! I wake up at 6 or 7 every am. Then I take the second dose with mid day meds.

Week three I was convinced. Why didn't I do this sooner? Man why am I such a rebel? These meds have given me my life back! I still have bad days. But I have way more good days now! I can drive, and not fall asleep. My boys, and I took a road trip even. Just myself, and 3 boys. What a way to gain back some of my independence.

I needed it so much. I had been feeling the whole poor little me thing. So now these new meds have given me a chunk of my life back. So I can be me. Do what I do. Without help of others.

This is what independence feels like

These are elk I seen on the way. There where about 50 total. Aren't they beautiful?

You could see for miles. It was hard to go home to look at 4 walls. Pure beauty here. I did it all by myself!

I'm not a drug seeker. I'm a seeker of a life to live. I'm just a regular girl with lots of issues who has a life to live. And I will do what ever it takes it LIVE.

It's Not Vanity It's Confidence

My hair changes all the time. I can't keep it the same. The style. The color. It changes all the time. I have over 10 colors of eyeshadow in my makeup case. I change that allot too. Lipstick, and eyeliner you guessed it. I have been a blonde, a brunette, a red head, and anything in between. Including eggplant, blue, pink, fire engine red, turquoise, yellow, and once purple. I have wore my hair to my ass, to one inch all over. I've had extensions before. Sometimes I say fuck it, and wear a hat. I have allot of those too. Clothes, shoes, and jewelry? I won't talk about those! That is where the man side of me kicks in. I own 6 colors of the same style T Shirt.

Some call this vanity. I call it keeping my confidence alive. When you get sick like I have it strips so much of your independence away. You can't do so many things we once could. Most of us can't work. If you can still work your abilities are greatly reduced. We spend days in bed. Days in the house. We spend days watching others live life when all we can do is watch. We watch from a window, a video, a picture, or a computer screen. We miss out on allot of  things. Things we long to do. We deal with the rejection of doctors, friends, family, and some even rejection from their spouses or partners.

Who wouldn't that make feel ugly? We feel ugly to the core sometimes. Our bodies are failing us. Our friends are slowly stepping out. Our families are douche bags. They don't understand what happened to the 'old' us. We feel like shit that we can't be Super Mom to our kids. That we are not Sexxy Hotty to our partners. So we sit here, and ask ourselves 'what are we going to do next'? Well me being the hairdresser I was for many years knows how keeping up your appearance can make you feel good. I myself seen it a million times. I used to help people feel pretty, and handsome everyday. Now mind you pretty is different to everyone. So don't judge! Hot to one man is also different to many too. So don't judge that either. Do only what works for you. Fuck any one else. You are what you got to worry about. No one else. Why do you care about all the fucktards that shit on you all these years anyways. Make yourself happy. If its hot to you work it. Nothing is more sexy than confidence anyways.

If you want pink hair do it. If being a simple brunette makes you feel beautiful do it. If lots of makeup does it for you do it! Tattoos, piercings, and weird clothes do it! Or if you are happy in your Sunday Best do it! If you see a chick in line at the store with a 100 tattoos think twice before you say "omg that is nasty, what was she thinking?" I have many, and I'm a Suzy Homemaker as any Plain Jane. I also have many friends with full sleeves, and many piercings. We don't do drugs. Or party. We have play dates, and BBQ's all that normal shit. We are just artsy fartsy, and a little weird. Listen to different music. Same goes for a Plain Jane. Don't judge her either. My best friend thinks women are so hot plain. He is turned off my allot of hair color, and make up. I know some full blown crack heads go to church every Sunday. Wear a dress looking all whatever. You never know. Looks can deceive! So worry about you, and what makes you happy.

Don't judge a women's weight. Some people like thick women. I know several. Some men like thin women. So women like big women. Who are we to judge what gets others all excited in the bedroom?  I know what excites me, and mine. I don't have the brain cells to worry how others get their slaps, and tickles off. So what? If you are happy. Cool. Don't push your views on others. Never assume that everyone has to be just like you. It takes a allot people make this world go round. If it was all meant to be the same we would all be the same color, act all the same, and there wouldn't be different cilments. Foods, illnesses, books, or cool blogs like mine to follow.

So do what ever makes you feel better. To feel pretty. To feel handsome, whatever. It will keep the depression at bay.  Don't let illness take away everything! And think twice about saying mean shit about ones looks! Think about farting rainbows, and kitties.

It's not vanity. It's looking after yourself.