30 Days 30 Posts A Day Late National Health Blog Post Month

So I read on another of my friends blog about the National Health Blog Post Month. That she will be writing a blog post a day. I thought to myself at 2:30 am two things. The first was this is great! I should so do it too! I should write a post right now. It would be a little late, but it's still day 1 I can catch up. Thought two. She is damn nuts! She has brain fog, chronic fatigue, and she struggles with Dysautonomia just the same as I do. Plus she is just like I'm. She is a mother, and wife first. Even when we don't feel like we are a good wife, and Mom hubby, and kids come first. So we often don't have energy to write. As what little energy we have is spent on our families. Then there is getting our Swiss Cheese Brains to cooperate, and not keep wandering off to LaLa Land. That is a task of its self. So ya you guessed what I did next? I finished reading her blog post, and went to bed. Snug as a bug in my cozy bed.

My doctor tells me to stop reading, playing with my iPad, and phone in bed. Even though I tried to sleep I couldn't stop thinking about this blogging thing! My brain wouldn't SHUT UP!!!! This exactly what my lovely doctor warns me of think so? Ummm ya! This is why he says to only sleep in my bed. But I was to tired to write anything, and my eyes where all hazy from a migraine. Anything I wrote by then it was 4:00am would have consisted of nothing more than rating bedsheets, popcorn, and anything poop. Because when all else fails I rely on poop jokes to save me. So I opted to wait until a fresh new day.

Heck ya that in itself was a day! My preschooler had a field trip. That they did not warn me would include about 5miles walking. My knee was dislocating, and my ankled did twice. It got to almost 90 outside even though it's November. Then this field trip included said games being played with adults. Well allot of standing. 2 hours worth, and I have POTS! They had none out there. I took one bottle that drank in an hour. As us POTSies drink some massive water. So I was HOT! Heat, and me is not good as I don't sweat on 75% of my body. But I can't let on all this to my little man. He is there to have a good time so shall I. I mean who wants to call attention to themselves? Not me.Not for a weakness i guess. I know I know it often bites me in the butt. My little man is an EDSers too, and his knee hurt also. Even though he said "no mama it doesn't" I think if he thought he said yes I would take him home. Mommy has medicine in her purse if he needed it, but he insisted he didn't. But as soon as we got home "MOM my leg hurts!" But he had a good time, and I enjoyed taking him. I would do it again. My best friend is in town for his birthday, and I made him his favorite dinner. Even though I was tired. I don't get to see him much.

I even had to grocery shop. That in itself wears me out. I got so upset when I didn't have enough money for my meds. On top of it all my hubby got told last week his health insurance is going up. They also raised the deductible, and out of pocket maximum. They didn't give any of the employees a cost of living raise. Only a bonus that gets gift taxed at almost 50%. This was already after going to a every other 4 day work week also. Which resulted in about a 1000 pay cut. Yes I'm happy he has a job. It could be worse. But all this news had even happy go lucky me pist off. Crying in my lactose free milk.

I didn't know what to do? Where to turn? How do we manage? I pride myself in having a somewhat funny blog, and Facebook page. I try not to post sad, gripy melodramatic stuff. I know it happens in illness, and I by no means am immune I just don't want to blog about it. There are enough people who do. I want to bring happy into your world of chronic illness. Even when we feel there is none left. So as the old saying goes when you don't anything nice to say don't say anything at all. So when I'm silent my world is crap.

So here in my world its kinda shaky right now , and here is this 30 day blog thing. Also so many people during this month post things they are thankful for as it's the month of Thanksgiving. So I got an idea. I thought I will combine both! Another good friend told me how she has a notebook, and everyday she writes a few things she is thankful for. She tells me that lifts her spirits. I will blogmyself out of this funk, and maybe help someone else too.

What do I have to lose other maybe this dark cloud over my head? Because man this doesn't make for good stories, poems, or blog posts. So 30 days here I come!

Today I'm thankful for:
A nice home to live in with an amazing view.
My best friend. Whom came to visit me for his birthday.
I'm alive.
Being able to take my son on his field trip.

My 4yr old EDSer took this. He knows what I like. He also knows how to make his Mama laugh.

The Zebra Chair

The Zebra Chair

There it sits. Like a giant green monster. Something you fear. Just the same as the Boogie Man when you where eight. Or the monster that chased you in those scary night mares you had as child. It just creeps you out! You don't want to go near it for being in it's presence it may eat your soul! It's so intimidating, and over powering. Something that is nothing more than vinyl, metal, and plastic is so hard to welcome into your life. So your reject it. You say it's not time. I'm not ready. I'm okay. Pfhhhh I don't need it! I'm not that sick. I can manage on my own. I do okay without it.

Your doctor, probably your partner, friends, and some family members have been suggesting you get one. They say it's time to get a WHEELCHAIR.You decline. You are in denial. You go through the same denial process of when you first where diagnosed. 'Am I that sick?' 'I'm not that sick.' 'Screw this illness, I don't need this crap! Wheelchairs are for old ladies, and people that are paralyzed.' 'I can manage fine.' 'People will stare at me.' Ya ya ya I said all the same ol shit too. Don't think I didn't! And then add some many more excuses people! Oh man I had every damn excuse in the book of why I DIDN'T need a wheelchair. Yet deep inside I wanted so bad to be able to do more things with my family. Yet I had no genius plan yet up to that point how to do so?

I longed to spend more time with them. I wanted to be able to shop with my daughters again. For more than 10 minutes, and more than just a department store. I wanted to go to the mall, and people watch again. I wanted to take walks with my husband again outside in the cool breeze. Yet I knew I can't walk, or stand much. I wanted that security that if I had one of my hemiplegic migraines I could still go someplace. Yet I denied all this. I was okay! I didn't need a damn wheelchair I said! "people will stare, at me". "They will think I'm not really sick, and that I'm faking" This was my primary fear. I worried how would I get it in our car? In our house? Inside stores, other peoples houses etc; The list went on, and on. Yet my days being stuck in the house got more, and more. I was watching life through the window of my house. Life was passing me by. I was missing things! And my kids, and husband continued to carry on without me. I couldn't let them miss out on life because I was sick, and couldn't walk or stand much. So I got left behind...........

My doctor suggested I get a wheelchair. He advised one because of my POTS, the dizziness, and my hemiplegic migraines cause one sided weakness. I declined. He left it as "well let me know if you get ready for one" I did however accept the handicap placard finally. I was taking baby steps. I found myself staring at wheelchairs. I asked a few friends about them. They said "ya they give me freedom!" But yet I was still so scared! And I feared a wheelchair so bad. At that point I feared a wheelchair like the Boogie Man. I felt it I got one it would eat my soul! I guess I feared if I got one it was like I was giving up. That it was the final straw of my healthy days. That getting a chair I was officially all the way 100% sick. That no more of me was healthy. That I would no more be capable of doing any good with well anything............ That the any bit of my prior life would officially be gone. Like poof! Like a giant genie would come in, and steal it the minute the wheelchair would be delivered.

Then I had the stroke. There I was with left sided weakness, and I couldn't walk. So I had no choice. So the choice of a wheelchair, and walker got made for me. Something so surprising happened. No one stared at me! Other than to talk to me no different than they do now. They didn't judge me. Or yell at me, or harass me. The day after I was released from the hospital I went prom dress shopping with my girls for their Senior Prom. I wasn't missing that for the world! They gladly pushed me form store to store in the mall. Even my boys too. They didn't mind. My kids where all just happy that Mama got to go someplace with them. We went shopping, we got girls dresses, we ordered my son a cookie cake for his bday. We ate at food court, and had a cookie at cookie shop. I could have never stood that long!!!! So it was a great day! People where so nice to me. They didn't care. My kids didn't care. My kids where just happy I was there!

So then I was deeply saddened I didn't do this sooner. That I had waited so long to get the wheelchair. I wished I had done so sooner. This chair was no Boogie Man! It was my friend! It saved so much energy, and even provided a place for my girls to hang their bags. My boys fought over who got to push me. They where in no way ashamed of me being in that chair. They where full of joy I could be there with them. My girls where happy I didn't miss a happy moment in their life. My hubby, and I even got in some people watching while kids where in some of the stores. This is something we like to do in the mall. You see some interesting people in the mall I tell ya.

So a few weeks later I was staring at my chair, and I remembered seeing this tape in the store, and I said I'm going to make my chair cool. So my hubby, a neighbor, and I all drank a few cold ones, and 6 rolls Duct Tape later Zebra Chair was born! Now when I roll in Zebra chair people no longer see me. The see my chair. I get so many compliments on my chair! Then I tell them about EDS, and why it's Zebra. I wouldn't be me to not have a weird chair. Oh no! So meet Zebra Chair!

So if you are faced with the decision to get a wheelchair then do. Chances are you need one, and are in denial! I say to you "SUCK IT UP, AND GET THE DAMN CHAIR". Stop with the excuses, and the I don't wannas. Just do it! Think of what the chair will do for your life! The energy saved! And hey who gives a shit what other people think of you! It's about what you need, and how you feel. If you get your chair, and someone says something just say something back. Or flip them off. Or just roll on, and forget it. These idiots are not anything. Think about it if they are insulting a disabled person they must lead a sad pathetic life. So just keep rolling on.............

Do what you gotta do with whatcha got! It's all about you, and taking care of you. So you can better your life. So you can feel better. Even if for just a little bit. So think about it. If I can roll in a chair when needed. So can you!

Enjoying the sunset in my Zebra Chair

The beautiful sunset on our littlemountain

Don't Judge Me By What I Do And Don't Do

You see me at the store. My hair is all coiffed perfect. Colored green, and black. I have a cute hairstyle, and my makeup looks good. I seem happy. I'm doing the things other Moms do. I'm buying food. I'm playing with my kids. I seem in control. I'm not in a wheelchair. I'm not carrying around an oxygen tank. I don't look like one of the zombies form Michael Jackson's Thriller. I don't have a wooden leg, and I have all 10 toes. So I can't be sick right? WRONG! If you only knew for 1). The prep it took me to be able to go to the store, and 2). the hell crash after math I will pay just for going to the store. When a normy wants to go to the store they make a list, they get dressed, get their kids, and they go. Me? Let me tell you what I have to do just to go to the DAMN store. You see me, and say "oh well she looks good!" Oh I shall tell you just what it takes to "look good", and "not sick".

Okay so I cut my own hair. I have to because my damn meds cost 250-300 a month so I can't afford a haircut in a salon. While I'm happy I CAN cut my own hair it takes me an hours an a half. Cut a little let arms fall. Because when you have POTS, and lift your arms above your head your get dizzy! So a what should be a 15 minute haircut turns into an hour, and a half. I color my hair funny colors to be fun. It gives me some happy in a shitty illness. So ya that is me. Fun nothing else. Sometimes however I'm to weak, and my husband has to do my color. Ya a man does my color. After 10 years of marriage he has seen it enough he knows how to do it.   The shower I took before I can to the store. I can't bend over to shave my legs. If so I will pass out in the shower. If I lift my arms to long I see stars. So I have learned to shave my arm pits faster than you can say Mississippi. I use barely warm water. To hot makes me dizzy, and to cold makes my BP drop. Sometimes I shower sitting down. My hair is short because I just cant care for long hair any more. Washing, and blow drying long hair is out of the question!

The make up you see me wear? That makes my skin look so good? First off when you have EDS you naturally look younger. That is not some miracle cream. So that is a bonus. I can only wear the kind of foundation that blends to different skin tones. You know comes in Light, light-medium, and medium. I have Medium. Because who knows if I will be medium light, medium dark, or just medium. It changes daily. Depends how I feel, and if I have color that day? My skin color changes with my blood pressure. So if my blood pressure is crap then I'm pale. If I'm having a pretty good day, and feel okay then I just might be my normal skin tone. So that blend to your skin foundation comes in handy vs. buying 6 different foundations. Then there is the 2 coats of concealer, the 2 different kinds of powder too. That all is before the eye makeup, blush, and lipstick. All of which is applied sitting down because of POTS I get dizzy standing up. So I do allot things most people do standing up sitting down.

You look at all my pictures on FaceBook, and you say 'wow how can she be as sick as she says? She sure does allot!' FaceBook is cool because I enjoy sharing my life journey. However I can edit as I choose. So you really think I include everything? No! I can manipulate it as I need it. If my living room is a mess I don't take a picture in there. If I smell bad no one knows. No one knows that I was up until 4am puking with a migraine unless I choose to share it, and that I have insomnia. Unless I tell them I do. FaceBook is the perfect fake it till you make it paradise!

The many things I do, I do so to keep my mind of things. And look closely. Do you see allot pictures of me? No. Why? I look like hell. If you do see me I'm sitting down, or laying down. The pictures of the things I post are things that can be done sitting. Cooking, crafting, writing, playing on the floor with my kids. I have modified my life around this illness. There is not a room in my house that you cannot go into, and see that it has not been modified in some way to suit me. My kitchen has lighter things. A chair, a food processor, a fancy mixer. My bathroom is full of things that are sick friendly. The many meds. The 3 different eye drops, and lighter hair brushes for messed up hands. Bath salts to help with sore muscles, and only the best TP because I poop all the time. Magazines to read when I'm stuck on said John 30 minutes. Then look into my bedroom. Haha if you didn't know me personally you would think I was 87. A CPAP machine, tons of medications, Kleenex, boring bedding, and it's kind of a mess. It doesn't appear to be a room of a young middle aged women.

Sure I do many things. I cook. I clean. I craft, and I make some very cute things. I write, I'm happy. I'm a mom, a friend, a daughter, and I blog. How possibly could I be sick? Well you don't live with me. You are on the outside looking in, and you only see a portion of my life. It doesn't mean that I'm sick any less. It just means that I have a life. I have kids. A husband, dogs, and cats. I have something to live for. People need me. I need them. So I'm driven to want to cook them a meal, be pleasant at least sometimes. To go out, and be with them, and spend time with them. Even if it's hard on me sometimes. And do things for them. It's no different than when I'm sick my husband is driven to want to care for me. I'm still a caregiver too. It gets me out of bed everyday. It helps me move on. It doesn't mean that I'm any less sick than the next guy. It just means that I choose to not let sick take over my life. I just accept it, and realize it's a part of me. The same as I'm short or my eyes are hazel.

You cannot judge people for the lack of what they don't do. Or like me for all the things that I do. My doctor, and husband would be happy to tell you that I'm advised against doing some of them, and other things wear me out really bad. To me it's worth it. I will take a few crashes here, and there to enjoy some glory days once in awhile! If we sit around fearing what might happen, or what could happen that leads for a very boring life. Because when you are ill like me everything could make you worse, and you should always do more than you are currently doing. Eating more. Drinking more water. Eating more salt, eating less fat. Stressing less, and loving more. Taking your meds exactly as prescribed. It always something! Blah blah blah. Plus my ass gets get plum sick of being on the couch. I'm scared I will get a bedsore or something. I have a life to live. It may not be what you think is a good life, but I think it's okay. Sure I'm sick. So what? I'm past that. It's a part of me. It's here to stay. I can't afford to waste my precious energy feeling sorry for myself. There are people way worse than me. Like dead for example!

So I'm gonna live a little, even if it's hard on me sometimes. I have seen people with illnesses far more severe than mine do more than I. Likewise I have seen people with minor alignments do a whole lot less. It boils down to determination. How determined are you? Well me I'm determined that there is more to life than living on this couch. Bitching about others.....judging them, and thinking I know how their life really is. TV sucks, and I can only read so much. So I get up, and every day I do at least 3 things. Because I refuse to just sit rotting away saying I didn't try my best. Please don't judge me! Unless you live with me, and know the full story. You might be surprised just how sick I really am, but somedays you just can't care.............

Slow Down Or Piss Off

Sunset on Crystal Mountain

If you have ever been to where I live. Then you know it's full of natural beauty. There are over a million acres of forest land here. We have mountains, rivers, beautiful lakes, caves, and more trees than you could dream of. You can't forget the trails! There are hiking trails, biking trails, and ATV trails. You could even ride these trails on horse back. Some still ride these trails by covered wagons. I personally know someone who does this. With several of his friends. It's a Tree Huggers paradise. Nature loving to the extreme. Mostly I feel at home in all the natural beauty.

Why people make jokes about incest, and hillbillies when they think about here is beyond me? But I have a sense of humor so I roll with it. Are there dumb asses that live here? Sure! Are there dumb asses that live where you live? Um you bet your ass. We are just a small southern state. Mostly small town southern people. We are nice folks. We do things different than most. So maybe that's why we get made fun of? Oh, and the fact are known for starting Wal*Mart.

A few days ago I was on my way home, and I have to go up, and down Crystal Mountain. Crystal Mountain is lovely. They view is amazing. You can even go inside it, and dig for crystals to keep. It can be a fun drive for some as it is a narrow curvy road. Many love to take this route on a motorcycle. It's part of a scenic route that bikes take all the time to get a good bike ride to get and eye full. You see lots of Harley's, and Honda GoldWing's just cruising along slowly looking around. The view is amazing, and at sunset it is breath taking. This road however SUCKS if you drive a tractor trailer. Just ask my husband. He has been doing it for years, and I hear all about it.

So as I was coming up Crystal Mountain I was behind a cow pot full of cows. I was talking to my hubby, and I started to complain as the driver slowed down to 25 going up Crystal Mountain. My hubby quickly told me to "cut him some slack! If he was doing 25 he was doing good. My chicken truck would only do it at 15 to 20. My current piece of shit truck takes it at 10". Hearing it from my hubby made me realize what these drivers go through. I heard it from my hubby a thousand times. But until right then behind that cow pot I guess I didn't really get how bad it sucked. I listened when he told me, but you know it all didn't really sink in.

They climb these mountains with their foot to the floor, giving that tractor hell, giving it all it's got, pulling between 80,000-85,000 pounds of freight. All they get is between 10-25 miles per hour. Sure the speed limit is still 55. Then you pile in the nice curvy roads too. It's not straight up or down around here. No! It's twisting, and turning let's get your brakes smoking hot kinda roads around here. So you got people tailgating them pist off panties in a bunch because they are in a hurry. The whole we got places to go people to see approach. They ride the trucks tail in a hurry thinking that the driver is driving slow on purpose. Ya okay they are driving 20 up a mountain, because they like looking in the mirror, and seeing you all pissed off on the no passing lane. Ya that's it. NOT! They have a load of hot freight they are hauling, and a time it has to be there. They don't have time to take there time, and play petty games. If you ever take the time to get to know a trucker they are all "on time" why? Hot freight. It's all about freight being on time. That is what they are paid to do.
I have not met a mean, or nasty truck driver yet in my day. I have met hundreds. They are the nicest, kindest down to earth folks you would ever know. Just give them a chance. Think about it a minute when you drive, and get pist off at "stupid drivers" they deal with that every day, day in, and day out. Their jobs count on them not having accidents, and getting no citations. So they are always having to be careful! Then it's their job to be careful with a truck load of cargo. How stressful is that? Pretty stressful? Just ask a trucker sometime...............

So as I was driving behind that cow pot going 20 I backed off, and cut him some slack. I thought you know what I'm not in a hurry. I got nothing to do at home anyways, but dishes. So I will enjoy the view. So I was enjoying my nice slow stroll, and didn't mind the slow pace. When this motorcycle comes up behind me. He is pist of at our 20 mile pace. Even more so he is pist off at the no passing zone on the curvy twisty roads. So he is pist off! I can tell so in my rearview mirror. He is getting closer, and closer to my bumper. Then he would back away a bit, then he would get real close again. He did this about 6 times. So finally we come to the slight straight stretch, and it has a passing zone. So I knew what he was going to do, and before I knew it he was flying around me. But he didn't have time to pass the truck because there was a pickup coming in the opposite direction. So then there he was riding the cow pots bumper. I knew in my mind. On no that is a BAD IDEA!!!! Before I could say to my daughter that such was a bad idea a cow took a piss in the very back of the trailer. The wind caught it, and it went all over that guy on the motorcycle. As he was riding inches from the trailers bumper.

My daughter, and I laughed so hard we almost peed! We soon came to a turn, and that bike flew around that truck like a bad out of hell. I told my daughter "I hope he had somewhere important to go, and now he smells like pee". Not to mention where this happened he is a good 30 minute ride to any civilization. Hahaha

So this is just proof folks slow down or piss off! And cut those truckers some slack while your at it!

I could get lost in this view....my favorite time of day sunset.

Working Through My Pain Barefoot Sitting Down In The Kitchen

Salted Sourdough Pretzel with Cheddar Cheese

In this day in age it takes some tightening the belt to make things possible. Everyone is living with less money. You find yourself asking yourself how can I save some money? How can I do things different in my life, and around my home to save money? For me it was not only to better my well being it gave me things to do. You see the things I cook, and the crafts I make many don't understand the true WHY I do it. The meaning is far deeper than just cooking for my family. It's far deeper than me just not liking the preservatives in packaged foods so when possible I create my own at home. It's much deeper than that. I needed something to feel the empty void that this illness has left me. The "I can't do anything anymore void", so here I was I can't work anymore. I can't hardly go out with friends, I had allot things I could do in the past taken away from me. A doctor told me once told me:

"It's not about what you can't do. It's what you can do, and you my child are still capable of many things. You just have to find new ways of doing the old things you loved."

I had no idea how his statement would impact me that day........He was right, and I took his advice. Mostly in the kitchen. My kitchen got allot of modifications. I love to cook! He was right. How can I cook sick? So my husband helped me find illness friendly ways to modify my kitchen.

You see when you are as sick as me there are reason we do things. Most important a reason to live. Reasons to motivate. Let me tell you Ehlers Danlos hurts really bad sometimes! Then to pack on a double punch it brings on POTS/Dysautonomia, and these killer migraines. So imagine a day in my life folks. Just paint the picture in my life for one tiny second. I have joint pain, it's not uncommon a joint is dislocating, I will have a migraine, and heart palpations with tachycardia. Maybe some dizziness, lightheadedness, and nausea. This is my normal. Daily. Day in, and day out. Some days are worse. But I can't lay around, and say 'wo is me', and 'I wish I was dead'. What good would that do? Nothing. That negativity crap only causes your body to feel worse. The whole mind over matter. So I need things to get lost in my pain. Reasons to get out of bed. Motivation to want to get out of bed. Remember I said I hurt, so if I don't enjoy something I won't want to work through that pain. I know many don't understand it. But I do, and anyone with a chronic illness does. You lay in bed moaning, and groaning you feel worse. Sure some days I can't get up. I'm that sick. But on the days I can, even if it's for a little while there has to be distractions. Because pain is always there. Day in, and day out. Pain does not leave. Pain is a permeant part of my life. My normal. So I must get lost in my pain.

Cream of Mushroom Soup (lactose free)

So along with these illnesses they bring restrictions. Diet restrictions of course. You can't eat this, this, this, and this. Like MSG, and Nitrates I quickly learned they are in everything! Especially MSG. So these led me to getting creative, and learning to make allot of my own food. From scratch. My 2012 New Years Resolution was to cook, and eat less processed foods. You all have to understand that my family, and I did eat that many to begin with. I cooked all the time. Home made meals. So this resolution meant to me getting even MORE creative in the home, and in my kitchen. So by doing this I learned to make my own Cream of Mushroom Soup, Cream of Chicken, seasoning salt, Beef Rice Pilaf, Chicken Rice Pilaf, Herb Rice Pilaf, Lime Ginger Chicken Noodle Soup, and I went back to making my own bread. I even started making these salted pretzels like from the deli. Yet I'm perfecting the cheese dipping sauce. So in the midst of this journey my mom said "why don't you make a cookbook this year for Christmas" You see each year my husband, and I make only homemade gifts for the adults for Christmas. So she suggested that this year I make my own cookbook. She found a place I can print it for not allot of cash. Like she suggested I still pay some money in materials making my crafts. So this is what I'm doing this year. Most people already know, and are very excited as allot of family members always ask for my recipes all the time.

Lime Ginger Chicken Noodle Soup (a must have staple for chronic nausea & vomiting)

So you can imagine the fun, and tedious task it is to cook something you have cooked for 20 years, and 'just know the amounts of spices', then to measure each item. Just when I think I have cooked everything I have ever cooked, and have measured, and written it down my kids or hubby will say "what about this"? So it has turned into a chore to say the least. But you know what folks it gets me out of bed. It keeps my mind off of my pain. It gives me satisfaction that I can still do something. Because like I said it's deeper than just cooking. When one becomes ill we lose a part of ourselves. We can't work no longer. We feel inadequate . I miss the old me. Well cooking is still a part of the old me. I can still cook. Sure I have to sit down now, I use lighter tools, and my Kitchen Aid is a MUST! I was in tears when my sister gave me that for Christmas! It's a Gimples BFF!!!! I make bigger batches when I feel well, and freeze to get through my bad days when I can't cook. When I cook I still feel like I'm taking care of my husband, and kids. That I'm doing better for them because I'm giving them better food. It's not only better quality, less preservatives, and additives. I also do know that with all my diet restrictions I know exactly what is going in my food, and I can control it. So in the kitchen I feel a sense of control that this illness has taken from me elsewhere. This is why I give away so much food. It's my pay it forward. When I worked I paid it forward. so now that I can't I still honor pay it forward with cooking. So I give food to my husbands coworkers, neighbors, whomever. So if I offer you food, don't be offended. It's just my way of giving.

So no you all it's not just cooking it's so much more 'cuz Mama puts love in it'!

illnesssucksfindfunny.com

Honey Oatmeal Bread

I Still am a Bad Ass......Kinda

We all hit tough times in our lives. Some people experience more tough times than others. I'm not different. I'm not immune to these tough times. Sure I appear to be strong, and that I deal with these tough times with stealer abilities. That I come out of bad situations leaving you to believe I'm stronger than when I begun. But I too am human. I have emotions. I have just as many emotions as anyone else. Sometimes these emotions are very intense. That is how I can write things people care to read. Rather it be this blog, a story, or a poem. I feel them with emotion. I just pick, and choose which emotions I want to publicize. It's all the other emotions I don't want you to see. I've gotten good at hiding them. I have even made myself feel unnatural for feeling them at all. They don't come often, but when they do its like a solar storm.

Sadness? This is the hardest for me. So when sadness comes I have no idea what to do with it. In the last few weeks have progressed in this thing I call my life there have been some times of sadness. They have left me with my hands up in the air, and confused. Not sure what to do next. As we all know EDS can be progressive, and I'm not exactly a spring chicken. Me also having POTS, and such severe Migraines doesn't help. Well, and then there is all the other things EDS, and POTS brings to the table. The GI troubles, the neuropathy, and this list goes on, and on. So needless to say my life is well complicated. I have been the tough girl so long I have neglected so many things. So many things have gotten out of control. My pain is being well managed at the moment with my new meds, but I'm still having some very bad days. I'm still faced with the fact that I just can't do what I used to do. I can't do what I want to do. Then there is that whole my mental self is still here. It's still the same. Yet my physical self is fading........

So I struggle. Mentally I'm still a neat freak. I like my house to nice, and neat. I don't like dishes in the sink, and I want the laundry to be done at all times. Mentally this house needs to be clean just in case someone where to show up I wouldn't be embarrassed my house was a mess. Mentally I need to cook a big ass meal every night. Physically well physically sometimes I can only do half that if at all. So I wind up pushing myself to far trying to get all this done. Then when I can't I get upset. So then I push harder. Then when it doesn't happen I get even more upset. I feel like a failure, a loser yada, yada. My hubby helps me as much as he can. But he works nights so he is usually living on limited sleep himself. So I try not to trouble him as much as I can. Even though he offers. But to ask to much makes me feel even worse. So I push even more. And later crash even harder.

So it finally I have come to the conclusion it's time to look into some help around here. Especially when there are times I can't even drive myself to the doctor. To get groceries, or medications. I'm beyond the point of needing some help! My doctor suggested it a year ago. I was just to stubborn to ask for the help back then. I didn't need help!

So here I'm now I just dropped off the application to get home health care. This was a big step for me. Pride wise, and Bass Ass Stregth wise. I had to tell myself that by doing so that I can still be a bad ass. Just in different ways. I'm still a bad ass. I wake up every day, and fight this illness. I don't give in. You don't hear me crying why me? Blah blah blah! And I can eat some pretty hot food. That makes me a bad ass in my kids eyes. I put up all my kids. That alone makes any woman a bad ass! So see I'm still a bad ass. I'm not giving up anytime soon. I'm just admitting that I can't do everything! That I need HELP! Well duh! I mean people as sick as me get help all the time. Most probably gotten help a long time ago! That is why these programs exist. To help people like me.

So why I struggle with this so much is beyond me? But I will just have to suck it up, and move on. Because ya I want something different. Something better. I'm tired of wasting what energy I do have doing dumb crap. When it could be doing things I love. Like playing with my kids, and hanging out with my hubby. So let someone who is getting paid help me do the dumb stuff! Guess I will help the economy to a little. So here I go. I've looked into home health assistance, and I'm checking into service dogs. So wish me luck, and when I'm whining later.....please remind me, to put my big girl panties on, and suck it up! Because I still am a bad ass. Well some days.............anyways just not every-day.

Love is Love it's Not a Sandwich

So what will it be for you?

Remember being a kid, and you enjoyed a good PB&J? Or maybe you fancied a Bologna sandwich? Remember that sense of accomplishment you felt when you where old enough to make your own sandwich? You where hot stuff then. Ya you didn't need help. Didn't have to ask Mom, or Dad or your older siblings to make it for you when you where hungry. You could just waltz in there, and make your own sandwich. Ya that was living buddy! Or where you one of those kids that you could make a sandwich you had the know how you just didn't? You still asked for help. You still asked your Mom, Dad, or older siblings to do it. Maybe your Mom or Dad made a better sandwich? Maybe they could smear the peanut butter on all perfect just like you like it? Or maybe, just maybe you where lazy? It was easy to be all 'but I'm to little to make my own sandwich'? Ahh common on think about it! Think about it people! I admit I was a little of both. When no one was around, and my ass was hungry you bet your ass I made my own sandwich. But yet when someone was around, usually my second oldest sister I was all "but I cannnnnn't I'm tooooooo lidddle" as I was watching Fraggle Rock. Little? Whatever! Busy was more like it! Or lazy?

You get a little older, and you find your self eating different sandwiches. Maybe you graduated up to a grilled cheese or two by now. But being a little kid you eat allot of sandwiches. As a snack at home, at school for lunch, at a friends house, and sometimes fancy ones for dinner. At this point in your life boys, and girls still have cooties, and all you care to do is play outside. Your bike is still awesome, and Kick The Can is amazing. You get pist off when you can't go to the lake, and camping. You feel as though your life will end. Your Mom, and Dad are still cool. And you like spending time with them. You are probably known as the douche bag the older Chili Cheese Fries, and Bacon Cheeseburger eating older siblings. But life is good. Everyone is going to be policemen, firefighters, soldiers, doctors, and lawyers when they grow up.

Then pretty soon Dad talks you into trying a bacon cheeseburger with Miracle Whip, lettuce, and tomatoes, you like it. He tells you ate a grown up sandwich, and says job well done.You are getting boobs, and the boys are noticing at school. You are not sure you care? Then next thing you know you are getting your first kiss, and things are all uphill from there. More new foods come, and go. More boyfriends come, and go. Your parents are all the sudden so bitchy. All these rules! Man when did they get so bitchy? They didn't used to be this way? You just want to do what you want to do damn it! Maybe some of you where still sitting around being 'good kids'. Letting your parents do everything for you? Ya there still where some of those types. Maybe you where one eating a cheeseburger one day, a PB&J the next, then ham & cheese, then roast beef . Maybe you where really daring, and on the same day ate a roast beef, and ham & cheese both. In the same day. I knew some people who did this. Boy did the rumors start about those kids! And behind theirs backs the kids called them sandwich whores. One girl ate a foot long for cigarettes. That had the high school hopping for weeks!

Now your in your early adulthood, and can you live your life without a sandwich? Can your ass even cook? Or did you ever learn to broaden your horizon to learn that there is more to life than just a PB&J? Or do you think that you must have a sandwich everyday to function? Just like when you where say 5? That to pay your bills you need to eat a sandwich? To sleep a night you need a sandwich? To be in good health better eat sandwich! To have fun I have to have a sandwich in the house at all times! Oh no my car broke down I better eat a sandwich or it won't get fixed. My toilet is leaking let me eat a sandwich, and then it will be all fixed. I feel all sad gotta eat me a sandwich. My life isn't complete without a sandwich in it.

Next your question is? What kind? Roast beef? PB&J, Ham& Cheese, Grille Cheese, Salami on Rye, Tuna on a Pita, a Panini, a Club, oh the selections are endless! There is a sandwich for every tastebud, and if you go to the right kind of sandwich shop, and talk sweet they will customize it. Sometimes you are left hoping that after you get home that sandwich will taste as hoped, and will it satisfy your hunger? Maybe it did or didn't last time? Will it this time? Will it always taste the same to you? Will your sandwich always be there when you are hungry? Or will your best friend sneak in your fridge, and eat it? Maybe you are one of those people who really don't like tuna fish but you eat it any way because you think it's good for you, and it compliments your healthy lifestyle. You know you rather, have the ham, and honestly it wouldn't give you the shits everyday. Or maybe soup would be your solution? At least until your butt heals. Yet still day after day you eat your tuna fish, and as your friends say "look at you eating all healthy" you smile, go home shit, and cry. Then get up put some cream on your ass to cover the scars, and go back for more. All because tuna looks good, and ham is boring and salty even though if you ate it you would be feel better, and be happy.

Then there are some who like me who ate so many damn sandwiches as a kid they are not my favorite. I ate enough Bologna to choke a village. I ate so many PB&J's I told myself that no one was ever going to force me to eat one ever again. I would only eat one on my terms only! I also told myself I could care less if I ate Bologna again. So as I became an adult I was first confused by love. I at first thought I needed love, and a sandwich to survive. It didn't take me long to realize I didn't need either. They BOTH where childhood comforts of mine. I didn't need either to survive. I didn't need a man to live. Nor must I eat a sandwich for lunch everyday. I needed my own strong will to live.

So then in my early twenties after an abusive relationship that lasted about three years to long I go it all right. I filed a Protection From Abusive Order from that man, and I have never looked back. I then lived many years single. Learning to be independent. I picked it up. My daughter was very small then. I decided then I would raise her to be an independent women, and any kids I had there after would be raised the same. No one should believe they NEED a man or a women to get along in life. Because then what happens is we settle. We just grab the first sandwich that comes along. Maybe it's the cheapest, or what we think we should be eating. Or when one sandwich moves out we move a new one right back in. And we love this one ohhhh so much! And the next, and the next, next, next.

With the divorce rates what they are in the US it time to get serious on taking love serious. Life isn't about money, it's not about material BS, and what this sandwich can do for you. Love is a complicated thing. It's not as simple as when you get divorced as soon as your alimony is over your automatically are in love again. Coincidence? Because you where stocking the sandwich shops before the divorce was final. Tsk tsk tsk tsk! Love is patient, and love is kind. So then why are you in such a hurry, and so pist off?

Life doesn't require one always like sandwiches. Some are happy eating bratwursts, or toilet paper, or how about just eating a sweet potato all alone? Happily ever after.